The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth - Part 2
Hi Ladies - oh my, it’s been a bit since I shared part 1 of The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth. We have had a LOT happen this Summer and Fall - I will share more about that in my {almost} monthly letter coming out, I hope, in the next week or so. If you aren’t on the list to receive that - you can do that here.
As we settle into a new rhythm and take a break from the podcast, my hope is to be here more, sharing my thoughts with you.
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As I mentioned in my last article, the first I heard of a Full Disclosure was from Dr. David Clarke in his book “What to do when your spouse says: I don’t love you anymore”. I was SO relieved to see in writing what I knew I needed deep within my bones - the FULL truth.
You see, I had tried previously to forgive Jason for his unfaithfulness without knowing the full truth. He told me: "what is in the past will stay in the past”. And I chose to take that as truth.
But it wasn’t.
Our disclosure process was certainly not perfect. Jason ended up sharing as much as he could on a six hour car trip through West Texas back in August of 2003. While I - yes, ME - was driving. He followed that up with a written document that I kept and used to start to assimilate what was into what really was - the reality that I married a sex addict.
Polygraphs weren’t something I was aware of.
Nor were impact letters or timelines or - well, you get the point.
However - what I did have was a therapist that allowed me to grieve. He saw my pain and put zero pressure on me to fix the situation or take ownership for Jason’s choices. He never used the word codependent and instead allowed me to be exactly where I was and who I was - an utter disaster.
I will confess - I don’t know that I have always held a high standard for the Full (or Formal) Disclosure like I do today. I thought it was important, but I didn’t realize the impact of doing it really really well and how foundational that was for the future healing of him, of her, of them.
The shift
It’s what happened a little over a year ago that really shifted something inside of me.
I was sick and in bed for several days. Lying supine, I started processing some things that were bothering me. Not directly related to betrayal but loosely related.
A few days later, I sat down with Jason to ask him some questions. One thing led to another and we ended up disagreeing on something he did while he was acting out (at this point,17 years prior). It was a significant discrepancy and I started to wonder if he had been lying to me all these years.
I proceeded to grab the disclosure and sat down - with SUCH a heaviness in my heart (is this really my life?!) - to look over it to see if what Jason said he did was actually in there.
My life, all of a sudden feeling so disheveled, fragile.
And it wasn’t. It wasn’t in there.
For the love, Jen Hatmaker, For. The. Love.
And so off we went again - him writing out what he remembered about this particular incident and me waiting for The document.
Then him sharing the addendum with me and then me working on an impact letter to him.
I read that impact letter to him in the car last Spring, parked out in our driveway, while our boys were inside the house nodding off to sleep.
How could I still have tears over this? But here they were.
Yes, for the love.
I share this with you not for you to have pity on me. And certainly not so that you worry about us. We are better for it. But rather so that you see the importance of doing a thorough disclosure from the get go.
This changed everything for me. My eyes were wide open to the importance of doing this well. I didn’t want anyone else, 17 years later, realizing that their disclosure was incomplete.
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I’ll be back next week with five questions (and answers!) regarding the Full Disclosure process. As always, I would love to hear from you.
xoxo - Shelley