The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth - Part 3.
Well - first of all, I just noticed in the last post, I said I would be back NEXT WEEK with the Q and A. Oh my goodness, I missed that one, didn’t I?! Why don't we start with dusting off Part One and Part Two of the blog posts from last YEAR (oh my goodness ladies, this is one of my favorite things to do, to write to you, and where have the last three months even gone?!)
I wanted to make sure and hit on some questions I frequently get about the Disclosure process. My heart is for you to feel empowered to ask for what you need, to see that this is truly foundational to healing and to know you can take up space and ask for this. And for you to always know: it's never too late to ask for a re-do on the disclosure if you feel it was incomplete the first time or if you feel something in the present isn't quite right.
And one caveat to everything I share below: There are absolutely nuances here and every case is different which means what we recommend can change depending on the situation.
With that said - here are some of my thoughts on the Full Disclosure process:
#1 - Do I need a Full Disclosure?
In order for there to be healing within the relationship - I do think a full disclosure is necessary. Not all women will receive a full disclosure, after all, it’s dependent on him being willing to share his sexual story with you.
This doesn’t mean a woman can’t heal on her own unless she has a full disclosure. Plenty of women, women working on my team in fact, have healed on their own without the full disclosure. However, if he is willing to give you a full disclosure, even if you don’t know if you will continue in the relationship - I do think it can help with the healing process.
If he is resistant to giving you a full disclosure - which is often the case - know that you have a right to this and his resistance is, chances are, indicative of the amount of secrets and shame that he is holding onto.
Your work is to gain strength and confidence so that you can ask for the full disclosure, amidst his resistance. Most often, he will succumb to the process if he sees it’s a non-negotiable for you to continue in the relationship.
And if he chooses not to honor your request and share his story with you (which is also, YOUR story, btw), then you can decide from there what you want and need to do.
#2 - What am I entitled to hear in the Full Disclosure?
You are entitled to hear it all. That doesn’t mean you will want to hear every detail - but know this is your right.
When we take a couple through this process, we expect him to do a timeline + narrative of his entire sexual story. Him being fully known with himself and others is vital to his recovery success.
What we have found is that for men that do not put it all out on the table, white knuckling with their acting out can only last for so long. Anywhere that secrets lurk in the dark is a recipe for disaster and relapses.
We work with women to find out how much they want to know. This is unique to each woman. Finding that balance between knowing and understanding the story of your life, yes - his story is your story, too! - and not knowing every detail and overly traumatizing oneself is important.
What can be helpful to not know about (but again, not off the table if you need these details) are: locations, body types and sexual positions to name a few. Possibly better said - be aware that if you are privy to these details, these things will be tainted. But the good news is: you get to choose what you want to reclaim. And you also get to choose what isn’t worth redeeming (that is a whole other blog post, so more on that later, hopefully not 2024, though! haha!).
#3 - Can we do the Full Disclosure process on our own if my husband is willing to share?
This is not my recommendation for you. I want you to know that you are worth the time, the energy and the expense of having someone that knows what they are doing going through this process with you.
I do want to pause right here and share - when I confronted Jason, I needed him to tell me what the (you know what) was going on. Six days later, when he was ready to share with me all he remembered - I don't care what the recommendation is / was - you better believe I was all ears. The end.
AND - know that what he shared was not his Full Disclosure. It was as much as he remembered at the time, a verbal dump, but there was more. And he needed to go through the process to fully get to all the secrecy hidden within. He did that with the help of our therapist several months later.
Bottom line: while some professionals wouldn't recommend he sits you down and shares with you what he knows due to the traumatic nature of this, know that I GET the need for you to do this if he is willing to share. Waiting for months for the truth is ALSO traumatic.
AND let's also not mistake a verbal dump for a Full Disclosure. It's not. The Full Disclosure is a written document that he produces for you, with the help of a professional that understands the process and can help him get ALL of it out of his memory and onto paper.
#4 - Do I need a polygraph?
Some women want a polygraph no matter what, others do not. If you need or want a polygraph - we support you 1000%. If you are on the fence, we will talk this through and come to a conclusion together as to if you want this before the disclosure or after the disclosure.
While polygraphs aren’t 100% reliable - we do find that the "threat” of the poly can help get everything on the table if he is resistant to do so. We hear all too often of men waiting outside the polygrapher’s office and sharing one last thing with her that he has held onto before walking in.
The poly should never replace your intuition and trusting in yourself. Most women know when there is more. If you think there is more, there almost always is.
#5 - Do I get a copy of the Disclosure?
I hear of this being frowned upon, her having a copy of the disclosure. This deep down infuriates me. Hasn't enough been stolen from her? Haven't so many of her choices and wishes been stripped from her?
Let her decide. It's her story, too. (I feel like I need to make a t-shirt!) And no, she isn't going to read it day and night (which is often the reasoning behind not letting her have it).
After the disclosure, I have women do a timeline that incorporates her story and his story (from his timeline and the disclosure) all onto one page. She needs the disclosure in order to work on this.
Her timeline helps her start to put the puzzle pieces together and we then use this as the launching pad for identifying major pain points as well as to work on an impact letter.
#6 - Do I need a female supporting me during the Full Disclosure reading?
I truly believe this is ideal. You having support from another woman that is trained to help with disclosures is not just ensuring comfort and safety for you but it's also another strategy we use to make sure your needs are met and that we get the best possible outcome for all during this process.
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Two final things I want to address:
When I talk about disclosures at the retreat or in groups, etc. - women will oftentimes hear what is ideal and then question if they got a “real” disclosure if it didn't go exactly like this. Please remember there are nuances here and just because you didn't get a poly doesn't mean it doesn't count. Just because you didn’t have a female coach or therapist supporting you, doesn't mean it was no good. M'kay?!
Second - there will be times during the post hoc processing that he or she realizes something was left out of the disclosure. Not necessarily something game changing but something that is more of the same, and still significant.
I think it’s incredibly important that he does an addendum to the disclosure in written form that he then shares with her. She will keep this as apart of the disclosure document.
I'm here to answer your questions on the Full Disclosure Process. And know that I am in your corner, cheering for you.
xo - Shelley