Let's Talk Trauma - starting with a confession from yours truly.

Hi Friends!

Happy March. This week, I have heard birds chirping as I’ve started to awake in the morning and it makes me so SO happy. Something about our slow crawl out of winter’s slumber really gives me hope that He indeed is making all things new.

Speaking of birds, the last several years, we have had a sweet pair of birds make a nest atop the wreath on our front door. This morning, my son shouted to me that the birds were back - I rushed to the window just in time to see the birds. I think he’s right!

So I better go purchase a wreath to put on the door. I don’t care how messy it gets - there is just something so sweet about the whole process from start to finish. Especially since the door is glass and we take sneak peeks at the eggs and the baby birdies. Love.

(Don't panic, I'm not taking up nature writing or ice cream shops, just stay with me!)

Sometimes I wish all I wrote about were birds, spring, nature. Wouldn’t that be splendid? I have also considered opening an ice cream shop - always bringing smiles to others faces? Maybe this is why I am obsessed with levity - taking really hard topics and conversations and trying to squeak out a laugh or a smile here or there. In some ways, it’s become my life’s mission.

‘Cause this work - it’s not easy. I love it, really wouldn’t open an ice cream shop or write about birds even if you paid me. There are just times when it feels so so heavy.

Let's Talk Trauma

And speaking of heavy - the topic I want to broach with each of you today is heavy indeed. We are going to talk trauma.

Jason and I started recording season #2 of our podcast yesterday and we primarily were talking about codependency and where this term came from (the addiction model) versus trauma and the trauma model.

I shared this on the pod and I will share it again here: I haven’t loved the word trauma for the longest time. I understand that women are traumatized whilst going through betrayal, myself included. I get the symptoms - I have seen them in myself. I get what it takes to heal from trauma, I’ve worked on it myself. And - I have realized - the word is really hard for me to swallow.

Again, just to be clear, I have been a proponent of the word trauma when used to describe a woman being betrayed. And - I have also had trouble accepting it.

Two Primary Reasons

There are two primary reasons I’ve struggled to fully embrace the word trauma.

First, I have struggled to embrace it because all my life - trauma was something that happened to someone else, not me. Trauma was something that someone might not come back from. It changed a person forever. (I know, I think I have been in denial.) It’s label meant there was little to no hope. And thus, I didn’t want it to be attached to me.

Can anyone relate?

Second, and just as concerning for me, if I have indeed been traumatized - then that means that my husband - the man that (for now) I’ve chosen to stay married to - is the abuser and I am the victim. And once again, that “means" there is no hope for us.

If I’m honest - I’ve been grappling with this for years.

The Shift

Something shifted in me about 18 months ago when I was listening to an interview and the clinician being interviewed said trauma is the same as pain or overwhelm.

And that is when things started to click a bit more for me.

Since reframing trauma in this way, I have also been able to reframe the implications of trauma. It doesn’t mean that there is no hope. And it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is the abuser (although this could be the case, depending on your situation, so it’s something to assess and get clarity on so that you can get yourself safe). Actually, speaking of safety, whether he is the abuser or not - getting safe is of paramount importance.

This reframe is in alignment with what we believe at Redemptive Living - specifically that the one who hurt us the most is actually the one with the greatest capacity (on this planet) to help us heal. How amazing is that?

Will that always be the case? No. And in instances where he won’t help you heal - that doesn’t mean you won’t heal. Rather, it simply means the path to healing looks different. But it IS 110% possible TO heal.

The Road Ahead

So over the next couple of blog posts, I want to dig more into what trauma looks like for us. How it impacts our behaviors and sometimes our inability to detach and set boundaries, how it impacts how we manage triggers, and what we can do to help our brains heal.

It’s going to be good.

And to bring us full circle - stepping into nature - and watching birds (and yes, if you would like, writing about them, too, simply because it taps into creativity) - these are some of the things that can help our brains heal.

For now, I would love to hear from you - seeing yourself as traumatized - is that a hard pill to swallow (as it has been for me)? Or - has it helped connect the dots and validate what you have experienced?

I’m excited to explore this more with each of you!

xo - Shelley