#68: What exactly IS good work?
So what exactly is good work? And what does good work look like AFTER the initial stages? Because it seems like some husbands rock that good work early on - and then… they are done?! Jason and I are both encouraging you guys to honestly assess: are the things we list happening in my / his recovery process? And if not - what might it look like to get back on track?
Some of the “good work” is objective (for instance, the formal disclosure or the amount of acting in). But a lot of this “good work” is less concrete.
Here we go:
Quantitative v Qualitative - it’s good to be doing the quantitative work but we must look to see - is there fruit coming out of it? It’s the qualitative work that we will hang our hat on - so consider: what quality is coming from the recovery work he is doing?
Early Good Work - it all starts with radical honesty. Followed by: willingness to be wrong, willingness to be led, willingness to talk through and engage conversations, willingness to be held accountable, sincere effort and interest to understand himself / the roots of his behaviors, a revulsion to things that lack sexual integrity, a willingness to honor your wife’s needs, being at war with yourself + open access.
Mid-Recovery Work - tenderness from him and sitting with her in her pain, steadfastness and him being in the process for the long haul, him leading her well, moving from sobriety to character change, recovery becoming a way of life, empathy becomes an intentional thing that he WANTS to give, being steady while the cement dries, focusing on intimacy aversion / acting in.
Love it when Jason said this: In early recovery - her safety is his assignment. In mid recovery - he internalizes that her safety is his responsibility. And then in late recovery - he knows her safety is his privilege.
Good work does not end after early recovery. Women deeply desire for their husbands to go the distance with them and to do the mid-recovery work well. Our hope is that this is exactly what each of you (husband) will choose to do.
We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us for Season #6!
Shelley mentions episode #40 - Mid-recovery - Making the distance between surviving and thriving for more details on mid-recovery.
For the episode on Acting In / Intimacy Aversion - check out episode #25 and episode #26.
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