#71: Frontloading
In this episode, we talk about Frontloading, a term we first heard from Jennifer Kolari after doing some parenting therapy with her. See the link below for her information.
Frontloading is the conversation we have prior to an anticipated event (or an anticipated conversation). Keep in mind, it's about a heart attitude, not about a playbook / plan / script. This heart attitude says two things: 1 - Empathy and tenderness will inform me going into this situation well, and 2 - I don’t have to fear fall out. The point of frontloading is to be prepared FOR the hurtful stuff, versus making sure NO hurtful stuff exists.
Big picture - a couple of things for men to keep in mind:
1 - It’s an educational experience for guys - Husbands are going to learn how she perceives and experiences different situations.
2 - Process it for yourself prior to talking to her about it. Ask yourself: How does this situation impact my integrity and what do I need to protect that? How does this situation impact her heart and what do I need to protect her heart?
Four things to think about as you are front loading an anticipated event:
1 - Thinking about and anticipating what will happen emotionally in that situation for you (him) and for her in this anticipated event.
2 - What is going to happen during the anticipated event that taps into your wounds / her wounds?
3 - What do I need at the beach? What does she need at the beach?
4 - What are the expected actions that I will take during this anticipated event?
Keep in mind: this is not one and done (one plan this weekend won’t be the same plan next weekend). Have the SAME conversation next week for the next anticipated event. In addition, don’t deviate from the original plan unless there is a conversation that happens WELL ahead of time.
Frontloading can be useful in the following situations: prior to travel, prior to being with extended family, prior to being in public (together), as a strategy to help him lean in when there is intense intimacy aversion, overall early on in the recovery process to establish safety and to build trust.
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To find out more about Dr. Jennifer Kolari - you can click here.
"A righteous man doesn’t have to fear bad news.” is found in Psalm 112:7.
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