#47: When He Chooses Not to do the Work
In this episode we wanted to talk about what to do when he chooses not to do the work. Warning: we get off track a lot. We start with talking about contradictions in the Bible - for instance: Ephesians 4:26 says - Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. However, Psalm 4:4 says - be angry yet don’t sin. Think about it overnight and remain silent. Contradictions.
This applies to the betrayal recovery process in that sometimes its hard to know: do I give him grace? Or do I use the tough love approach?
We both agree that the "grace based approach" doesn’t work as well as the "tough love approach" when it comes to sexual addiction recovery. This is born out of our story - I initially tried the grace based approach and it did not work. It wasn’t until I dropped the hammer that the floor raised for Jason, he saw I was serious, and he had to make a choice. Of course, it’s important to note that the tough love approach doesn’t always save the marriage, as you will hear about next week on the pod.
Here are several of the high points from our talk:
1 - Before dropping the hammer, plead for him to change.
2 - Get Support.
2 - Choose your hard.
3 - Consider the Matthew 18 approach.
4 - Don’t jump to divorce out of the gate - start with boundaries.
5 - Ask yourself these questions: What do I need? What do I need to feel safe? What do you have a right to? How can I protect me?
We are so glad YOU are here, thanks for joining us!
The episode on Mid-Recovery (#40) can be found here and the episodes on Early-Recovery (#14 and #15) are here and here.
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Shelley mentions “I Don’t Love You Anymore” by Dr. David Clarke - excellent book that I think every wife should read!
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