#103: Preliminary Boundary Work
Hey Guys!
In this episode, we talk about preliminary boundaries. I mentioned at the beginning of the episode that most women know boundaries are an essential part of the process and are interested in learning how to set solid boundaries. However, fully internalizing (or embodying) boundaries takes time to engage and implement. This is where preliminary boundaries come into play.
So let’s dig into preliminary boundaries. Keep in mind that ‘preliminary boundaries’ refers to the preparatory work, comprising 10 questions that women need to ask themselves early on in the process. I love Jason’s qualifier around these questions he mentions for men to be aware of: women are in a free fall and are looking for handholds, and they need them early on in the process. This isn’t an indictment on him; it’s not to get ’safety from the monster, it’s so that she can grab onto some things as everything slips away.
I also want to highlight that as we go through these questions, some of you listening who aren’t at the VERY beginning of this process might feel regret (that you didn’t do this or that). Let’s be curious about any pangs of regret - it might point to a need for added safety and assurance in the here and now.
Here are the 10 questions:
1 - Do you want or need him to be out of the bed you guys share?
2 - Do you want or need no physical contact?
3 - Do you want or need to take sex off the table?
4 - Do you want or need to get STI/STD tested?
5 - Do you want or need him to get STI/STD tested?
6 - Do you want or need him out of the house?
7 - What do you want or need to share with your children?
8 - Do you want or need him to have supervision when he is with your children?
9 - Do you want or need to see someone who specializes in sexual integrity issues versus a generalist? (Only one answer to this question.)
10 - Do you want or need a written full disclosure?
All ten of these questions are geared toward helping you get your feet back under you, gain some protection and safety and will help with future boundary setting as you continue to heal.
We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8.
Shelley mentioned a link to a preliminary boundary article as well as a 7-page printable. Click on the links for those two resources.
Shelley also mentioned an episode regarding what to say to our children - I think I was actually thinking of this episode, which is more about protecting our children (episode #36). We need to add this to the podcast queue: what to say to our kids when this all starts to go down.
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