Preliminary Boundaries
Last month, I embarked on an epic adventure with a dear friend. She had reached out to me over the Christmas Holiday and wondered if I might be interested in going on an all-women’s backpacking trip with her. I was exhausted, burnt out, lacking joy in my day to day.
(As some of you are aware of, we moved four times in two years to include TWO out of state moves + a house remodel + one of said moves a month after having major surgery and being non-weight bearing on my right leg {haha - I LOVE to say this - “Non-weight bearing. Right leg. Six weeks.”}).
Need I say more?!
What I didn’t realize is that backpacking is a SPORT. I went down a rabbit hole researching gear and how to pack as light as possible (my friend said this was her greatest regret last year - the weight of her pack), the best shoes to wear to cross a river, and a sundry of other things.
Fast forward to the last week of July, we met at the base camp just outside Pagosa Springs, CO where we scrutinized every item we had brought from home, asking ourselves: do we really need this for the next 5 days?
Fast forward to the last week of July, we met at the base camp just outside Pagosa Springs, CO where we scrutinized every item we had brought from home, asking ourselves: do we really need this for the next 5 days?
There were some small regrets once we were on the trail, things I wish I had brought. Namely food related items (I craved salt but didn’t bring a ton of salty snacks), one additional pair of pants (wearing the saaaaame clothes every day bothered me) and a different hat (the back of my wide brimmed hat kept hitting my pack and I didn’t love that).
And then there was one thing that I deeply regretted not bringing. Okay, more than one, I’ll share three:
A book to read. (This was the ONE thing. It would have been worth the weight.)
A blanket. (I know, not really doable, but I CRAVED having a cozy blanket or better yet, a quilt over my sleeping bag. More so for the weight versus the heat but I would have taken the extra warmth for sure.)
Jason. (To my surprise and possibly to yours, I missed Jason a LOT. So Jason would be the third “item”.)
It was a stretching, joy-filled, and uncomfortable experience on the trail. I share more of my thoughts (and photos) in this reel as well as in this reel on IG. Would love for you to check them out!
Looking for Immediate Comfort and Safety
So what does a book to read, a heavy blanket and Jason all have in common?
(I am trying to find something silly to say here to give Jason a hard time, but nothing is coming to mind…)
The first thing that comes to mind for me is the word comfort.
As I said previously, the trip was uncomfortable and I was looking all around me for comfort. Even as I process this out through writing, I see where I looked for comfort in other ways as well - through the other women I was with, working to connect with them by asking them questions and sharing stories, by laughing SO much with my friend in our tent at night, by eating so much food - I was like a hungry bear storing up food for hibernation.
This is a very loose segue into a realization I recently had when it comes to boundaries.
What I hope for each of you as you work toward healing from betrayal is to be able to embody boundaries and USE them in a way that leaves you feeling more empowered and connected to yourself and others.
Oftentimes, this is a process that takes not just time but effort and practice.
In the meantime, when we are in crisis, we also need help using boundaries to push us forward and create immediate comfort and safety. Kinda like the three items I so wish I had been able to have with me on the trail.
And this is where preliminary boundaries come into play.
My experience for myself, as well as the women I support, has shown me that oftentimes we don’t think we can ask for certain things. I want you to know that when it comes to healing from betrayal - what we are asking for is indeed different. And big. And necessary. Give yourself permission for it to be these things (different, big and necessary).
Preliminary Boundaries
Preliminary boundaries encompass our more immediate wants and needs when we are in crisis, at the beginning of this journey. But make no mistake here: we can also use these preliminary boundaries at any point in the future when we might feel we need to look for some extra safety and security.
For instance, I sometimes hear from my clients: I wish I had asked him to leave the bedroom (or the house) when I first found out. Maybe that would have helped back then and we would be in a different place now.
If you have had this thought, it’s worth asking yourself: do I need this now? Because the healing process weaves and winds and if you realize two, four, ten years in that you wish you had done something different, it could be that your regret is rooted in something you need right now.
The Ten Questions
I came up with ten questions for you to consider to this end. The questions are tender and hard. Some of these you have probably already thought about and some you might not have considered yet.
Here are a few of them:
Do you want / need him out of the bed you share?
Do you want / need to NOT have sex with him?
Do you want to get tested for STI’s?
My experience for myself, as well as the women I support, has shown me that oftentimes we don’t think we can ask for certain things. I want you to know that when it comes to healing from betrayal - what we are asking for is indeed different. And big. And necessary. Give yourself permission for it to be these things (different, big and necessary).
I made a 7-page downloadable for you that gives you a crash course on boundaries as well as the preliminary boundary questions for you to consider. You may access them by following the link here.
As always, I love to connect with you so if you have any questions or comments to share with this community - please don’t hesitate to leave a comment. Your words and thoughts matter. And women read them and need to see that they are not alone as they pursue healing.
And for what it’s worth, I made it out of the Weminuche Wilderness alive. I thought I heard a bear that last night and my sympathetic nervous system is working REAL well. I had the full on reaction with my heart beating out of my chest and all.
I came home to Jason. To my books. And to my heavy blankets. Comfort is something I value deeply post-betrayal. Just one very small benefit I carry with me post-betrayal.
xo - Shelley