Humility and Empathy... (Part 2)
In the last blog post, I discussed what I believe to be two of the most important heart changes that we must see in our husbands in order for our marriage to survive - humility and empathy. Just to be clear, I've yet to hear of the husband that shows these characteristics early on in the process. But it IS something we, as wives, need to see at some point down the road.
So let's talk about empathy and humility a bit more and make sure we understand what these characteristics look like. I'll try to weave in a bit of my journey and what it's looked like to {try} to cultivate these character traits.Empathy - Brene Brown has a great three minute video that depicts the difference between empathy and sympathy. When I think of empathy, I think of someone that is willing to be vulnerable enough to open their heart up to what someone else is experiencing. They start to feel similar emotions to the person expressing pain or grief, for instance. This can be really hard to do. It takes intentionality and emotional energy to go there. We surrender control when we allow our feelings to show as the person next to us expresses theirs.With that being said - the opposite of empathy is self-protection or selfishness. Someone that chooses not to show empathy is someone that wants to control their emotions. They don't know how to deal with vulnerability so they protect themselves and strong arm those closest to them - keeping them at arm's length so they don't have to feel what the other person is feeling.I've mentioned before that I struggle with intimacy aversion. I've spent a lot of my life not letting others in. So self-protection? I know how to do it well. Even 12 years into this journey, when Jason is feeling pain (and it doesn't necessarily have to do with me), it takes a lot of energy and deep breaths to give him empathy. To get in his circle and feel his pain with him. It's vulnerable and intimate.
It will always be easier to self-protect rather than to open up and give empathy. Remember, our default setting is broken. So I believe there is a natural pull toward this self-protection. Nobody is immune. It's work to take down the walls and let others in.
Next up, humility.The literal meaning of humble from a Biblical perspective means "lowly" or "to bend the knee" (see Ephesians 4:2 or Proverbs 11:2). When I think of moments of recent that I've felt lowly, I have to be honest - I've resisted. It hurts.And yet, even as I type this out - I identify that the one experience, more than any other, that started to refine this character trait, was coming to terms with the fact that Jason was unfaithful to me. It's always been hard for me to put into words one of the {many} things I experienced as Jason's darkness came into light.Let me try to put it into words now and I really want to hear if any of you wives track with me.It's like I came to terms with my smallness. The fact that I wasn't all that special after all. I don't mean this in a shameful, I'm unworthy sort of way. (And believe me, I DID/DO feel that way plenty and have had to work through it.) There were these moments early on in our recovery when I realized that I was small, that I was dependent on God for everything. And that I was nothing, a nobody without God in my life.I had never experienced something like this before and I'll never forget it. Girls, it was a gift. (And if you are newer on this journey - like in the first three years - I realize that you might want to punch me about now.)My 6 figure income? Didn't matter in that moment. My big house? Who cares. My reputation in the neighborhood or at church? Worth nothing. The fact that I judged the neighbors across the way for their marriage trouble? Um, how about I take a closer look in the mirror instead!
There was this sweet relief in coming to terms with my smallness. It felt so good and so right to lie low. To be small. To have nothing left and to know that God was my only hope.
Once again, I sit here and acknowledge that God doesn't waste anything on us.
And yet, just like empathy - humility isn't something that comes naturally. God gave me a taste of it and it felt so right. My brokenness, my humanness always turns to pride as the default. Remember, our default setting is broken.So now, as I tie up this blog post, I think of those moments recently when I felt lowly a little differently. God uses those situations when I feel lowly to humble me. To allow me to shed my pride. Because the truth for me is, I can't do it on my own.What about you - how have you seen God cultivate these character traits in you? Although I believe our husbands must work {hard} at these heart changes, I also believe we benefit from pursuing them as well.Up next, the focus is on our husbands. How can they work toward empathy and humility and why is it so darn hard for them to turn away from self-protection and pride?