What I would have done differently.

{By Amy Garcia - read more about Amy below.}

Umm, how is it already the beginning of December?!?!

I can’t believe we are coming upon the end of 2020! This year has somehow been the longest year of my life and gone by at break neck speed all at once. I’m not quite sure how that’s even possible, but nonetheless, here we are...

Every year as the new year approaches, I try to reflect back on how the past year has gone. I feel though like this year gets a free pass on any kind of deep reflection. Let’s be real-the mere fact that we are still here, still doing the hard work of recovery in the midst of all the crazy and not twitching in a corner eating toothpaste is a definite win!

But in spite of all the challenges this year has brought, I still see such incredible healing taking place.

Every day I talk to women shouldering the pain and hurt caused by their husbands betrayal and I sit in complete awe of their ability to navigate this recovery process. They are so broken-hearted and yet SO eager to heal.

It really has me reflecting back on the beginning of my own recovery process from betrayal a little over five years ago.

Given what I know now, I’ve been asking myself: what would I have done differently? Here are the top three things that came up for me:

#1 - I wouldn’t have put so much pressure on myself to make a decision about my marriage right away.

As soon as I discovered my husband, Alfred, had betrayed me, I created this pressure for myself to follow through with separation, and eventually, divorce. Given the severity of his addiction and the depth of my pain, I thought divorce was the only answer. Trying to figure out logistically what that process looked like with two young boys added even more mental and emotional stress to what I was already experiencing.

If you are new to discovering your husband’s betrayal and you are also feeling pressure to make a decision about your marriage right away, I urge you to take a deep breath. Separation and/or divorce are always options if he continues to not choose his recovery, but getting yourself help and on the path to your own healing is paramount. Some practical ways to begin this process are to get into a support group, sign up for 1:1 coaching and/or purchase Shelley’s Rescued workbook. You will need to heal if you decide to stay with your husband or not so put yourself first!

#2 - I would have allowed myself more time to grieve early on.

Literally no one has ever said, “BRING ON THAT GRIEF!” It’s excruuuciating to actually feel the emotions brought on by betrayal. But it’s so crucial to your healing process that it cannot be avoided, only delayed.

I remember finally getting to the point where I allowed myself to grieve-I would wail for hours in my closet and the sounds coming from deep inside actually frightened me. I realized at this moment that because I hadn’t allowed myself to fully grieve anything since childhood, it was years of pain and heartache all coming out like floodwaters through a broken dam.

Remember: you cannot selectively numb emotions. If you numb pain and hurt, you intrinsically numb joy and happiness. So as painful as it is, go into your closet/bathroom/car and let those tears flow...joy is waiting for you just on the other side.

#3 - I would have resisted the urge to feel some semblance of “normal” again so quickly.

When I decided to reconcile with my husband after a 6 month separation, I was so eager for us to be back to “normal.” But what I actually needed was a break from countless hours of therapy, daily check-ins, and I for real could have chucked that feelings wheel across the room! Who knew actually feeling your feelings took that much work?!?!

I was completely exhausted and so was he.

So instead of naming where we both were and agreeing on taking a short break, we took a long one. Old patterns of behavior couldn’t help but reemerge and bitterness and resentment quickly followed.

I fell back into control mode and began watching his every move. As a result, he was hesitant to engage at all with me because he knew even his breathing would somehow set me off! I couldn’t believe how far we had both come only to find ourselves right back here all over again.

We immediately got plugged back into therapy and hit the gas pedal on both our recoveries. And I’m so thankful we did. Creating new, healthy patterns of relating to one another is the reason we are still here, fighting to keep our relationship not just surviving but thriving in the aftermath of betrayal.

If you are starting to feel recovery fatigue, please take a break. Rest. Do what you need to do to pour into yourself and recharge; take baths, go on long walks, read scripture or journal just to name a few. Then you can decide a good time frame to reengage with him again. It’s so important to ask for what you need and this is no exception.

I hope this reflection on my own healing journey has given you some things to take into consideration. I realize each of our situations are different and so inherently, our individual healing journeys will look different.

But in any given circumstance, on any day of any year, this truth will always remain the same... God sees you. He loves you beyond compare. And He longs to restore your broken heart to His.

Even in the midst of betrayal, even in the depths of our most gut wrenching grief, God is there. And.He.Can.Be.Trusted❤️

Amy Garcia is a mom to two boys and wife to Alf. She is more than five years into her recovery journey and is apart of the RL for Women team where she coaches women healing from betrayal. You can find out more about her here.