On wrestling with my changing body (clearly my body thinks it's time for summer to be over)

Hello Friends!  I wrote this blog post a while back but couldn't hit the Publish button.  Tonight, I have my brave pants on so I'm sending it off.  I am SO thrilled to have a bit of space again with my olders back in school as of last Monday and my little starting preschool next week.  Can't wait for us to connect more this Fall.  I've missed our time.  xoEvery morning and every evening, I peer into the mirror and look at the tiny lines that are forming on my face - in between my eyes, my forehead, and then there are the deeper smile lines - they've kinda popped up out of nowhere over the last couple years. {I think I'm scared.}You see, dear friends, my skin has never been my best asset.For instance, I used to despise my freckles. I had this bright idea when I was in high school that maybe, If I tanned enough, all of my freckles would grow into one nice large freck. Then I'd be tan like my besties. It never worked. I just grew more freckles. {Sigh.}Then there's the spider veins on my legs. Thanks mom and dad for those awesome genes that grow those purple squiggly lines that my children ask about when I wear shorts! {Just breathe.}I was thinking that maybe, just maybe when I turned forty, I'd start to do something about all these skin "defects". This potential plan of mine helped when I faced the mirror and felt the fear. I have a handful of friends that pay the big bucks to get certain muscles frozen on their face to prevent the fine lines. And plenty more that have had the injections to get rid of spider veins. What's the big deal anyways, I'd gently convince myself.The possibilities are endless, really. Tummy tucks, liposuction, breast augmentation - if you want to make some changes, then boy howdy, the sky is the limit!For a gal (that'd be me) that changed her body in order to feel significant (which back-fired and sent her on a grueling journey of anorexia) - and for this same gal that then married a man that was addicted to pornography - it's no wonder this quest for the perfect body is so tempting.It's almost as if I believe deep down - if I can have taught skin, a whittled waist, and breasts that aren't wonky, my life will be better, easier. My husband will look at me and only me. I will not only feel but believe that I am significant, enough.

And yet, haven't I learned this truth already - that changing who I am to mend broken relationships doesn't work? That it really isn't about what I look like or what I'm missing that caused my husband to not just have eyes for me?

Clearly I have amnesia in this area because I'm grappling with this - with the fact that we can change what we look like. Wondering - is this the next step for me? And how far is too far? Is it okay to do all these things? Why has this consumed me every. single. time. I look in the mirror?If I'm honest, I will admit - I've blamed those around me that have changed their bodies and their faces in order to look younger. I've resented them for what they are doing. I want to ask (and sometimes scream depending on how insecure I feel) - what are we teaching our children? It's not fair - you look so much younger than me now! How could I ever compete with you?And then I stop myself. When did this become a competition? When did I deduce my relationships with others to a race? At what point can I stop comparing myself to others and see each of us as unique human beings? Flawed, yes; and unique.When does this become less about what others are doing and more about what I am doing. Less about what others value and more about what I value? Less about finding my worthiness in fitting in with the world and more about finding my worthiness in how God made me?(All of a sudden, I realize there isn't anyone else in the room but me and God.)I've heard it said - we are worthy before our feet even touch the ground in the morning. To be clear, we aren't worthy because of what we look like or how perfect our breasts are. We are worthy as-is. Just as we are. {That means my wonky breasts are worthy!}So for now, I'm going to try to embrace the changes I see when I look in the mirror. I'm going to try to work through the fear of the unknown and what I might look like in ten, fifteen years. I'm also going to try to stop comparing myself to others. To stop judging them for what they choose to pursue when it comes to the array of options out there to look younger.  That is totally their choice and slowly but surely, I am able to celebrate with them versus feeling - you guessed it - jealous.I'm breathing now. It's time for me to base my decision not from a place of fear but from a place of worthiness. Rest in the assurance that God didn't make a mistake when he made me and embrace my uniqueness; one freckle, one wrinkle, at a time.ps.  I just want to be clear that if you've chosen to pursue some of the lovely things that our world has to offer to enhance your beauty, I love you!  Some of the women I care about most have done these things and they look a-amazing!  I also want to say that if you've chosen not to pursue these lovely enhancements, I love you, too.  Some of the women I care about most haven't done these things and they as well look a-amazing!