#114: I'm Not Going to Keep Taking From You + A Rubric
In this episode, a continuation of episode #113, Jason shares about what it looked like for him to "not take from me" (from a needs perspective) as well as a rubric he used to help keep him focused on what mattered most when I wasn’t able or willing to meet his needs. We banter back and forth about staying up late talking recovery (Jason clearly thinks we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning for YEARS), we talk about Jason wanting physical touch from me while lying in bed at night and we also talk about times when he desperately needed something from me while sharing emotionally and I wasn’t able to give it to him.
Please note: this had nothing to do with me having a callous heart (although I’m completely capable of that) and more to do with me holding boundaries and also hanging on by a thread and not having anything to pour into the relationship as it was hanging on by said thread.
You can download the rubric Jason talks about in this episode by clicking on the podcast freebie link.
Jason mentions several caveats:
- some women want to know what his needs are, even if both of them know she can’t meet the needs. This is more so coming from a place of needing to see him be vulnerable and lean into intimacy. Jason cautioned the guys, in doing this, do not blame her for your needs.
- if a wife says she wants to know (his needs, in vulnerability), jason tells the guys - don’t give an inch and take a mile.
Toward the end of the episode, we discuss how this applies when there is severe intimacy aversion, and he doesn’t even share that he has needs. I thought this comment was key that Jason said: "the needs get shrouded in other things and expressed in ways that aren’t vulerable - as in, they come out in passive aggressiveness or aggressiveness or in wonky expectations of things that don’t make any sense.”
We are so glad YOU are here. Thanks for joining us for Season #8.
Shelley mentions Episode #85 when discussing super-sized needs. Here is a link to the episode.
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