On Inequality in the Recovery Process: The 90/10 Rule

The setting was Frisco, Texas - back in the early 2000’s when there were more fields and pastures than houses. My marriage was officially in shambles, days out from me confronting Jason - it barely had a pulse. We called a church we had attended occasionally looking for a good therapist to help us walk this out.

We showed up at his office and I was judging myself HARD. What would he think of me? How could this be my life? Would he want to put us out to pasture in the field behind his office? I was a good girl, I had tried to make good decisions thus far in my life. I got good grades in college for crying out loud. This didn’t happen to someone like me. And yet - here I was, and this was now my story.

So we sat down in his one room office, that he apparently rented from an insurance agent. I thought this a bit odd but who was I to judge?

Jason jumps in and shares his story. I had heard it a couple of times by now, and just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He appeared quite remorseful and for that I was grateful. But what in the world was this nightmare I was living in and when would I wake up…

As Jason finishes his story, I’m filled with anticipation and curiosity as to what this here counselor was going to say. How would he even begin to help us piece this back together?

And then he turned. He looked at me. And these here words came out of his mouth - “So Shelley - tell me what you did to contribute to this situation.”

I don’t remember the rest of the session except for my tears. I remember leaving the office. And I remember telling Jason I would never go back to him again.

Enter the 90/10 Rule

We found another therapist that helped us immensely. Jason refers to him as “one of the guys that saved his life”. This therapist didn’t blame me. Didn’t ask me how I contributed to Jason’s sexual sin. Sure, I pushed Jason’s buttons. But did I force him to cope in the ways he did? Absolutely not.

Now this didn’t mean there weren’t things I needed to work on. Certainly the betrayal exposed my brokenness like never before. But I didn’t have the capacity at the time to navigate the grief and loss I was experiencing and also dig into my “issues”.

In our work with Bryan as well as when Jason started helping guys before heading back to school to get a counseling degree - we saw how damaging this “equality” frame of mind could be. Not only from the stand point of assuming that she is a part of the problem but also in the actual recovery process - this assumption that things are “equal”.

In my work with women - I continue to hear their husbands say that they want and need things to be equal. In fact, some men refuse to work with us because of our stance that the work is 90/10. (90% on him, 10% on her.)

To be clear - we are NOT saying that he is doing most of the work - because she is working just as hard. What we are saying is - throughout the process - the weight is on him to do the work of beginning to restore trust, holding her pain, having a posture of empathy, figuring out his why, digging into his family of origin issues, and handling his shame and negative emotions in a healthier way. Bottom line: 90% of the work is on him to restore the damage done. This is not the time to work on communication issues or sexual frustrations or differences in parenting styles. The house is burning and none of these things are at the root of the infidelity.

Why 90/10?

While sin is sin - we do see from a Biblical standpoint the seriousness of adultery. Not only is it one of the ten commandments (do not commit adultery) but as I mentioned in this recent blog post, Genesis 2:24 shows us that anything that breaks the physical bond in marriage can also break the marriage itself. That’s how serious adultery is.

(In fact, just last night I was having a conversation about this with Jason - we were discussing how the consequences are SO far reaching. He was saying how he has had seasons where he forgets this.)

That said - things are NOT equal post-betrayal. So to pretend like things are equal is just dismissing the level of pain she is experiencing. There is a divide in the relationship that must be repaired. And by embracing the 90/10 posture - reconciliation has an opportunity to flourish.

His work: making amends, restitution, contrition, repentance - and in that allowing her the space to hurt and be. Her work: grieving, allowing herself to fully break so she can fully heal, boundaries, triggers, anger, deciding whether to stay or go; and ultimately forgiveness - whether she stays with him or not.

The Benefits

The benefits of embracing the recovery process with a posture of inequality and putting more of the onus on him to do the healing work are many. Here were some of the things that helped me / us:

It gave me space to grieve. I already felt like it was my fault - thanks to Jason’s comments first and foremost but also thanks to our culture, the church, the therapist mentioned above. By adhering to an equality in recovery mindset - I would simply be reinforcing this belief - that I had something to do with Jason’s choices and needed to work on my character deficits VERSUS allowing myself to sit in pain, name my losses, and slowly start to put myself back together.

It was foundational for rebuilding trust. By Jason going “first” and being willing to not only take full responsibility for his actions but also to be the one to do the work to repair the damage done - he showed me with ACTION that he was willing to do whatever it took. I HAD to see this to move forward into the future with him, after the pain I experienced in the relationship.

That said - it also helped cultivate a heart of conviction, repentance and humility within Jason by going first and owning fully his choices versus continuing to vilify me (which he had become quite good at in the throes of his addiction) and put the onus on me for what he had done. Repentance means to literally turn 180 degrees and go in a different direction. So while Jason was living a life filled with selfishness, lies and deceit - in order for me to really experience repentance from him - I needed the opposite: selflessness, honesty and him laying down his life for me.

Infidelity destroys the marriage. The opposite of that: loyalty, honesty, humility, empathy, restitution, repentance, him going first and doing 90% of the work to repair the damage done - these are the things that breathe life back into it.

Would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this, please share with me where your heart is at below. You can always leave these comments anonymously.

Standing firm with you as you take your next steps.

xo - Shelley

PS. For more on - listen to podcast #12 on Equanimity.

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Hey Gals! When I transitioned my old website to a new website in early 2026, I lost all my comments. These comments are precious to me and to so many of you. I am posting the comments here and please feel free to comment below if you have something you’d like to share. xoxo - Shelley

T said: I’m only 2 weeks in from discovering what my husband if 29.5 years has been doing. He’s a Jason also.

I’ve been devouring your YouTube, podcast and instagram as a source of help, hope, comfort and direction.

When I listen to you talk or read your words it’s like you have read my thoughts.

My fears and triggers! Thinking this couldn’t be happening to me. And when will I wake up from this etc … but yet it’s now my story also. A story I’d never in a million years thought I’d have to walk.

I thought I had one of the good guys.

For me it’s so so fresh and I’m so sick of the feeling of shock the crying and crying and just being so sad and heartbroken.

I pray and hope with Gods grace and the years of overwhelming hard work before us that our marriage can be restored

I am grateful for this blog post on the 90/10 as we start of journey.

Thank you.

My response: Hi T - Welcome to this community. Even though nobody ever signed up for this - I hope you find this a place to be where you can be YOU, get comfy, and focus on your healing. You WILL get through this, by God's grace and by the women you meet along the way that share this story with you.

Keep crying - even though you are sick of it (I so get that, I joked that we should have taken up stock in the Kimberly Clark or Kleenex companies!) - it's the way through.

I as well thought I had one of the good guys. It's all so shattering and alarming.

Thank you for sharing your heart here and I will be lifting you up in prayer today.

xoxo - Shelley

L said: So, what is a wife to do when her husband is dead-set against this concept? He cannot fathom that it is 90-10 - and we are a year out from re-discovery. 1st discovery was 3 months into our marriage...2nd discovery was a year ago - after 22 years of marriage - with continued lies about acting out (porn addiction) continuing throughout our marriage. Continues masturbation b/c he is afraid he'll lose the ability to have an orgasm ("use it or lose it") and he's a doctor, so there's no arguing with him on that. We've been separated for 9 months. He sees a CSAT weekly, and is processing early trauma, but I am not seeing much movement towards heart change. Is there a length of time that you recommend a spouse to wait? I am praying for his heart, and do want healing for him...and am hurt that he partly blames me for this (I have had chronic health issues during our marriage, and sex has been physically painful, so there have been long periods of time when haven't wanted sex - due to excruciating physical pain and crushing exhaustion).

My response: Hey L - Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your heart and life with us here. I know it will bless other women that read this - they will feel less alone.

I hate the pain you are experiencing - physically, emotionally - in every way. I can't help but to think that part of your chronic health issues stem from your H not being safe / in recovery. It's all one viscious cycle and I hear you that you are wanting to figure out how to make it stop.

To answer your question - I think your H's unwillingness to honor the 90/10 is at the heart of the issue. How can we fix and repair something that is our problem when we don't see it as our problem? That coupled with the discoveries over the last 22 years and I think if he isn't willing to make some shifts in his thinking and beliefs and expectations - it's okay for you to start setting some serious boundaries to protect you.

When we start to set boundaries - while it won't change him or fix him - it will force him to show his cards. I teach a boundary class and if you want - I can add you to the wait list. But ZERO pressure there.

xo - Shelley

L replied: Thank you for this. I just added my name to the wait list. This sounds like a great next step. I appreciate you sharing your journey, compassion, and wisdom - you are a blessing to me and so many!

My response: YAY! I'm so glad that you did!!! Can't wait to meet you!!! xoxo - Shelley

Kristin said: Thank you, Shelley, for this. I am in a RL group and have been texting with my group this week about how I feel like I am driving our recovery. My husband and I talked about this very thing with our counselor yesterday and he gave us some wonderful direction. Your blog goes hand-in-hand with what I have expressed this week. My husband gets it and I feel hopeful after reading this, talking with our therapist, reaching out to my group, and doing our homework this morning. Your continued wisdom and teaching help give me the confidence that I am not crazy and my feelings and thoughts are valid.

My response: Awe Kristen!!! I am so happy to hear this is what you needed this week AND that your husband, therapist and group have all been receptive to hearing your heart! It makes such a huge difference when our H's are doing the work to repair the damage done! xoxo - Shelley

Alana said: Our first counselor basically said the same thing about 50/50. And it just felt so unjust and wrong after finding out about a long term affair. Thank you for writing this. You cleared up any misconceptions. I love how you state that we (the betrayed) are working just as hard….so hard. 90/10 doesn’t mean we aren’t giving 100%!
I cannot voice how life giving the individual coaching, the retreat, and group therapy with RL has been. I was lost at sea drowning in pain, sorrow, isolation, and shock. It was the rescue boat I needed. I’m still in the sea but now I’m in the boat and I can see land ahead. Thank you Shelley and Team. ❤️

My response: AWE!!!! We love you girl!!! You're truly AMAZING and we are so so honored to partner with you to help you heal. Thank you for sharing your perspective here - I love your strong, unwavering voice - we NEED to hear what you have to say!!!

xoxo - Shelley

MA said: Thank you for such an insightful article, Shelley! My husband struggles with this 90/10 as well and he is not a fan of your ministry because of it, sadly but this article very much resonates with me. He thinks it should be more balanced because he often says he doesn’t speak up for his own needs and that’s something his support group encourages the men to do so for him to not ask for what he also needs and for it to just be about him thinking about my needs makes him think this is wrong.

My response: Thank you so much for sharing here and for being so real about where your husband is at - not appreciating RL for this stance but also the piece about needs.

If I may be so bold as to address the needs piece - here are my thoughts: his needs are absolutely important. The issue is that he tried to meet his needs in a illegitimate way that hurt you deeply. So to then turn to you and expect 50/50 with his needs is actually more damaging to the relationship and to you but also to HIM. He needs to work at going to God as well as safe men to get his needs met in a healthy way. He also needs to work at sitting in pain with unmet needs (which is the reality of our humanness). If he stops acting out and in turn expects you to just fill the empty holes in his heart - this is going nowhere. Because the truth is: you have been trying to pour into those empty holes for years, I would guess. And until he binds up those holes himself, through figuring out his why, by setting boundaries, by being aware of his triggers, by sitting in the pain of negative emotions and shame - he can't even receive what you are pouring into him.

Not only that but he is called to "go first". To, as Ephesians 5 talks about - loving you as Christ loved the church. Not to completely spiritualize this whole convo I'm having over here with myself - but I can't imagine Jesus saying: hey, I know I was unfaithful but it's a 50/50 thing here from here on out. Just trust me. It's no big deal... I have needs and just forget about what I did to you that completely broke you.

I know I am preaching to the choir here but I hope in some way this helps. I want women to be able to stand firm in needing the amends, restitution, contrition, remorse, humility and empathy in order to heal within the relationship.

xo - Shelley

Linda said: Wow...this post breathed life into me today because it resonated deeply. Thank you for writing such a spirit-filled, truth-bearing post. Matt is going to the conference next weekend with Jason's team. I am trusting the time in Texas will be monumental in both his and our married life. Trusting God for healing. More healing still. Trusting God for sanctified, holy redemptive moments that bring forth life. Thank you for your ministry. There is no other couple I relate to more than you and Jason--your story. Redemptive Radio has been a staple in our lives. Thank you.

My response: Hi Linda -
The 90/10 is so so important because it actually promotes healing for her and also helps him get out of his own way and connect to humility and empathy. I'm so glad it gave you a breath today. So grateful to hear your husband is headed to TX this weekend. xoxo - Shelley