The truth about you and your body.

There are a lot of things I hate (yes, happy to use the word hate here) about betrayal. I hate the years it steals. I hate the pain it pours. I hate the questions it begs. And one of the things I think I hate the most? I hate how it impacts our personhood.

I remember many years ago in one of my groups - a woman asked: why couldn’t it have been Oreos? or Sports? Truth be told - an addiction to even these things could wreak havoc - but when the “drug" of choice is sexually acting out? The hurt and pain is unfathomably deep.

We’ve been unpacking all of this the last several weeks over here and I realized I had more to share than I could fit in a story or post - combine the space issue with my desperate desire to write again - and here we are. I’m so glad you joined me.

When I say I hate how sexual betrayal has impacted our person hood, it’s fair to say that it’s impacted us in ALL of the areas of well being - emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally - in All. The. Ways.

AND - maybe we will take these one at a time and unpack how it’s impacted us in each of these ways - I make no promises on this because my rate of success with blogging as of late is incredibly low. But I like the idea.

What I want to focus on today is how betrayal has impacted our person-hood from a physical standpoint.

It’s incredibly important as we navigate this discussion that we really consider what is TRUE and what is a LIE that needs to go back to the pit of hell. So here we go…

TRUTH: Deep personal brokenness drives infidelity.

There are no buts (It was so hard for me to not write butts, just for a pun) about this. Don’t tell me that "you’ve let yourself go". Or that you aren’t "a spring chicken anymore, so no wonder". Those are the LIES.

Please remember that negative emotions, shame and reward mechanisms (I know, that one we need a whole other article on!) are the primary drivers for acting out. These are also known as his triggers.

It’s not your postpartum belly or your spider veins.

TRUTH: We are not responsible for his acting out, never - ever.

You can NOT take responsibility for this. As much as we sometimes want to (because when we DO take responsibility - it gives us power and control over a situation that is neither of these things)… this is hurting you and hurting him.

And I know what you might be thinking - you might be thinking - but I didn’t have enough sex with him. Let me just say - not having sex is STILL not a reason to act out. This is a LIE. (And I also know some of you desperately wanted to have sex with him and he refused, and maybe he still does… SO confusing and hurtful. Two words: intimacy issue.)

People love to use the whole 1 Corinthians 7:5 justification pertaining to where her responsibility lies for his betrayal so let’s just be clear about something: when Paul says don’t deprive each other… lest you be tempted - he is NOT saying don’t deprive each other or else he has license to act out. It’s NOT there. And his temptation is HIS responsibility. The end.

Not looking like a super model is also not a reason to act out. That is also a lie. I’ll unpack this more below but let’s remember that we were created in God’s image and our bodies are GOOD.

TRUTH: Sex is set apart for marriage, deeply personal, and used to bond the marriage together.

So I have a note in my Bible from a talk that a friend of mine gave once on Genesis 2:24. The verse talks about man leaving his father and mother and uniting with his wife and becoming one flesh with her. You know the verse.

The note I have above that verse says this: Anything that breaks the physical bond in marriage can also break the marriage itself.

I believe this whole-heartedly.

And I think this exemplifies from a Biblical perspective, why we as women take this so personally. It impacts our person-hood, our sense of self at a core level. If he were acting out with alcohol - it would hurt (and for those of you dealing with both alcohol and betrayal - it DOES hurt). But we don’t compare ourselves at a personhood level to alcohol or TV or games or work.

However, when the acting out is with the one thing that is set apart for marriage, deeply personal, and creates a bond that holds the marriage together? This we can’t help but compare ourselves to.

So yes, it’s personal but no, it’s not because of something we lack.

TRUTH: Our bodies are good. All the time. There is no space for shame or condemnation here.

I listened to this podcast yesterday on my morning walk and then again this morning. There were several things that Jess said that had me jumping for joy in the middle of the street. It was SO good and I hope you will listen to it!

Here is what I want you to know: God created our bodies in HIS image. His image!!! And then after it was all said and done - God looked at all He had created and didn’t just say it was good, but Genesis 1:31 says it was very good.

The Hebrew word for good in this verse is tove. This is the SAME word used at the end of Genesis when Joseph says to his brothers - I’m not going to hurt you. What you meant for harm, God has used for good in my life. One of my favorite verses.

And here is what is so very important: this isn’t just good like I had a good day or I had a good nap. No, this is good in the widest sense of the word. Arms wide. So very good.

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Here is what I recognize: shame is what drives him to act out. And then once we are made aware of his acting out - shame is transferred over to us. And we look at ourselves in the mirror and we think: I’m not good enough.

My challenge for you today: unhitch yourself from this shame. It is not yours to carry. Simply put - we do this by naming the shame and reminding ourselves of what is true (see above). Join me in the comments, I am here to talk this out.

In this with you!

xo - Shelley

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Hey Gals!  When I transitioned my old website to a new website in early 2026, I lost all my comments.  These comments are precious to me and to so many of you.  I am posting the comments here and please feel free to comment below if you have something you’d like to share.  xoxo - Shelley

Lisa Crogan said: I can't write anything now, I'm crying too hard! I'll be back later ..

My response: awe!!! sending all the hugs! xoxo - Shelley

Lisa Crogan replied: These lies are hard set in my thinking. I'm seeing a counselor to help readjust my thinking here. I recognize the life giving truth you have shared. Accepting it may take a lot of work. Thank you. Knowing someone gets it helps a lot.

My response: yes girl - you can do this! Thank you for being here! xoxo - Shelley

Becky Haynes said: When you grow up with undiagnosed dyslexia, and ADHD you feel defective from an early age, so it’s easy to feel defective in other areas of life. I’m going to have to think about “in the image of God “and what that means for me. Thank you

My response: you are loved Becky and here is the truth: our broken pieces make us even MORE beautiful!!! Because it's through the hardships that our character grows and I believe that through the undiagnosed dyslexia, as well as the ADHD - you have persevered, grown in strength and are more amazing than you ever would have been without those two things! (that's not to say there isn't grief work to do around them. I certainly don't want to take away what you might be feeling because of the hardships...) Hope that makes sense.

xoxo - Shelley

Heather said: This. Thank you, friend! After 9 years I still needed this.

My response: awe! Sweet friend!!! Sending hugs. xoxo - Shelley

Melanie said: This is so timely. I definitely struggle with faulting myself for my husband's actions. It seems automatic to look at myself as lacking something he needs. What a lie. What a trick. It is certainly a pain so deep words cannot express. I loved hearing about why this pain runs so deep, sex is meant for marriage between just two people who make a promise to eachother. Knowing that its not about me but about him and that he is responsible for his actions helps. I just wished that understanding the why was enough to make his acting out stop hurting me.

My response: Hey Melanie -

Thank you so much for sharing! I hear you grasping onto the truth (yay!!!) and I also hear you in wishing the pain would go away. Please know the level of pain is appropriate because of the level of sin. We know that anything that breaks the marriage covenant (sexually acting out) breaks the marriage itself. So your pain and hurt and sadness and grief - completely appropriate.

xoxo - Shelley

Chris said: My husband is a flirt. Carries it too far. Can you explain in more detail what you mean that they are acting out in shame? I understand the award piece and I completely resonate with not being enough

My response: Hey Chris -

You bet, so think of shame as one of the primary drives for their acting out. Because they don't know how to manage their shame, they look for ways to off set it and acting out sexually is how they are choosing to offset their shame. For a moment, they feel powerful, competent, significant (the opposites of shame) which offsets the shame. But it's fleeting and then they feel even MORE shame because they have just done something they know deep down is NOT okay to do... so the cycle continues. Does that make sense?

Glad you asked! xo - Shelley

Martha Zec said: Shelley,
This was such an encouragement to read. Thank you for reminding us of the TRUTH.
Xoxo,
Martha

My response: You are so welcome! Thank you for being here!!! xoxo - Shelley

Zoe Ann Thruman said: Thank you so much for speaking this, for validating what I've known to be true for so long but the lies have overpowered my heart too often. My body concept has been so deeply impacted by his 36 years of infidelity, that it doesn't even feel like my body anymore...But it comes with me everywhere I go, and is a constant reminder of the pain of his acting out. Thank you, Shelley, for opening up this discussion, and bringing truth to light and light to truth!

My response: Absolutely Zoe Ann, you are welcome.

And wow, so well said - our bodies walking around with us being a constant reminder of his acting out. So painful. And also shows the even greater importance of us taking our bodies back, speaking the truth, and rising from this with greater confidence.

oxo - Shelley

Jacquie Nutt said: Thank you Shelley! We are beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made!!!

My response: Yes girl - speak the truth!!! xoxo - Shelley

Rachel said: Thank you, Shelley, this was well put- short and sweet, packed with reminders to LET GOD COVER US in our thinking. As we fill with knowledge, I pray His Holy Spirit will weave it deeply into our pain for true, lasting, transformative healing.

My response: Amen Rachel! Thank you for being here.

xo - Shelley

Karen said: I know this is true, but I also see my body and think, “I know I’m not as fit looking and as thin as……”. I used to feel good enough, loved and appreciated for me, my inside, my personhood. I don’t anymore.

My response: I hear you Karen, please know you are not alone. This is such a huge piece of our healing process and it takes a lot of work to accept ourselves again and see the beauty in our flaws - kinda like kintsugi. Being more valuable, more beautiful in our brokenness.

I'm sending you a big hug today. Thank you for being here.

xo - Shelley

Peggy Dickinson said: I so appreciate you sharing this Shelley. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. Whether my husband appreciates my body or not, God does. I’m going to pray that He helps me take hold of the truth and unravels the lies I’ve been believing for three decades.

My response: yes girl! Amen, Amen, Amen. xoxo - Shelley

Daniese said: Such A wonderful plea to God, help me take hold of the truth and inravel the lies... I have believed lies about my body since I was eight years old when I was molested. Lifetime of abuse and poor choices led to further confusion. Then blessed by a wonderful husband...then betrayal. Not just my mind, emotions, and spirit need healing, but my physical body needs healing from the pain with the washing over, even submerging in this truth of God's.

My response: Daniese - Thank you so much for sharing your heart here. And thank you Jesus that you are able to say out loud (or type out!) that your physical body also needs healing. Please know you are not alone and I believe that there is so so much healing for you this side of heaven.

xoxo - Shelley

Regina said: Thank you for this. I just did my impact statement yesterday. I wish I had read this before I went.

My response: You are so brave to write out and read that impact statement - and you can always do an addendum if you need to!

xoxo - Shelley

Linda Friesen said: Wow. Wow. wow. This was so good. Thank you very much for writing these truths. I will send this article to a friend today who needs to hear this truth—110 percent.

My response: Ahhh! So grateful it was life giving to you, Linda! xoxo - Shelley

Kristin said: I know that this is true, because he acted out even though I was an enthusiastic sexual partner who never once turned him down.

From the very beginning of our marriage I constantly worked on myself and asked my husband what he wants/needs, and he swears that my body is the body of his dream woman. I showed him respect and submitted to him. I asked what I could be doing to help with the unfaithfulness and he had nothing to say. He would say that he “didn’t know why” he acted out as he did.

When we sought counsel from an older Christian couple (who were not counselors, but do counsel many couples), they noted that I was a fit woman who never sexually deprived him and were therefore baffled as to why he would act out. (The sheer volume of well-meaning but twisted advice and thoughts I came away with from that “counsel,” by the way… haven’t even begun to unravel them… sometimes I can feel like it was even more painful than the betrayals.)

And even knowing it all in my head, now, it is still hard not to feel somehow responsible at least in part.

My response: Wow Kristen - thank you so much for sharing this. I know it's so helpful for other women to read - you are fit, you never said no - and yet, it still happened.

I am deeply concerned with the feedback you received and it makes sense there is a lot of unraveling to do there.

This is one of the things that just blows my mind - that our culture thinks if he acts out - it's because she is the problem. It's a narrative that desperately needs to change.

Again, thank you for sharing here.

xo - Shelley

K. said: I don’t blame my looks for his acting out. I do compare myself to those airbrushed, photoshopped, surgically altered objects and to the ‘object’ (opposite sex-I prefer ‘skank’ or better yet, like Dr. Clarke says or ‘whore’ cuz that’s what she was (is?).

My response: I'm so glad you don't blame your looks on his acting out - because that is NOT the reason behind his acting out. The comparison piece is NO joke. It's so so hard to not do this - but I love that you know the truth: it's NOT real. It's air brushed and photo shopped and ALL the things.

Thank you for being here.

xoxo - Shelley

PamL. said: It’s difficult not to feel this…. I mean, I know HE considers the flaws of my body one of the reasons….. so why shouldn’t I? I guess the goal is to understand that his opinion is irrelevant…. To basically say, I know you wish I looked different, (thinner, younger….) but I don’t care…. My worth does not come from your opinion of me. I guess that’s the idea, but man, how do you get there??!!

My response: Hey Pam! Yes girl - you are spot on. We really must speak truth over ourselves regarding ALL of this.

Him blaming you (and your body) for his acting out?! Nope, not okay. He is playing the victim and not taking responsibility for his actions. So we choose not to absorb his sin when we toss this out of our hula hoops and back into his (his blame).

I don't even want you to say... "I know you wish I looked xyz..." because in some ways that is agreeing with the lies he is making up in his head. Instead, we can say..."I'm the real deal, the real package. I birthed your children. I have been faithful to you. Sex is not just about what a body looks like, it's a celebration of the marriage covenant. I do not accept that the reason you chose to act out was because of my body. You are lying to yourself."

It is HARD to get there and this is something we probably need to talk about more here... maybe another blog post. Thank you for commenting and know I am in your corner!

xoxo - Shelley

Anna said: When his affair partners also birthed his children too the line “I birthed your children” is extra painful, not a source of validation.

My response: Oh Anna - that completely makes sense and thank you for using your words and saying what you said. I'm sorry my words made it such that you didn't get validation and contributed to your pain. Sending hugs.

xo - Shelley

Misty G: Thank you for this perspective. My question is, after the many hours of viewing he has seen (aka other women’s bodies and sexual actions that are now in his head) in addition to the acts he committed with another woman, how is it possible for him to not compare what he has seen and felt to his own wife. I have not been with an other man since we married 26 years ago. He has explored other woman visual and by touch. I can’t nor do I want to act like those women but now that he has had that, being with me can’t be as erotic. I don’t know how to deal with those thoughts and feelings.

My response: Hey Misty - Thank you for being so brave to share here and to ask this question. I agree with you that there is a real risk that they will compare our bodies to what they have seen. And maybe I'm just in a sassy mood this morning - but what I want to say is: that is for them to sort out and figure out how to heal their brains, etc. We can not be the ones to "fix" this by changing our bodies to match what they saw. Because really - there is no comparison. We are the REAL deal. the photos and images aren't even real.

So I hear you on not knowing how to deal with those thoughts and feelings. I think first and foremost - we have to name them (which you did here!) and grieve. Allow your heart to break over this. AND in that - I also encourage you to speak truth over yourself that you are not going to fix something that isn't yours to fix. This is his work to do and what you will continue to do is love your body, accept it just as it is, and treat it kindly.

I hope that helps. xoxo - Shelley

Tammy Crenshaw said: Having just confronted my husband about my suspicions of his relapse into his pornography addiction, I immediately let myself go into a headspace of “why has menopause caused my body to be so unattractive to him”, “what have I done, again?”….I promise you that I have never been told, “it is his shame, not your body”. Thank you for your words.

My response: Girl - it has NOTHING to do with your body. Sending you so many hugs, I'm sorry for your pain and please don't even let yourself go down that road of it's about you. Because it is NOT.

xoxo - Shelley

Karen said: Even if we know we’re enough (regardless of what we may want to change about ourselves, lose weight, tone, gain weight, hairstyle….), and even if he didn’t tell us, “Well you let yourself go”, “You don’t care about your appearance since we had kids” , or “You’ve put on a few”…. Even if he didn’t say it…..we know he told himself negative things about us (cognitive dissonance). We look at ourselves and we think- “He was looking at (or with) someone who was thinner, had bigger…. or smaller……was sexier…. “. He told me I was controlling and not adventurous, (or whatever he said). So maybe he did tell himself that, too. Meaning, it’s just as hurtful to think he may have thought something negative about our appearance as it is if he actually said it.

Tricia said: When he continues to look (or struggle with temptation to look) at others, it is SO hard to heal🫣

Laura said: We are going into an out of home separation and one of my goals is to re-adjust my idea of who I am based on his betrayal. Oh how I’ve struggled with this! I want to believe you words! Thank you Shelley! This is the scariest and hardest thing I have ever done!

Becky Brown said: My husband was angry and would get violent so after about 6 months of marriage sex became difficult for me. I couldnt understand how he could treat me so bad and expect physical affection. Its not like it never happened we have 4 kids but we fought about it more than we had it. This is why I still really struggle with if I had done more, tried harder, you know all the stuff we tell ourselves. I'm getting there that he was broken so it would have happened no matter how much or little sex we had. Its just really challenging to let go of a lie I've been told for 47 years. Thanks Shelley for your thoughts and help.

caroline said: I assumed it was me. Something lacking in me.

I know I'm chiming in years late here, but for those betrayed wives who might stumble across this post, I want to add some thoughts to the excellent ones already in the group.
To Betrayed Wife: Its probably more about his "body" not being enough, rather than yours lacking in any way. Meaning, he has a self control issue, not an attraction issue.
Post-recovery intimacy CAN be far superior to what existed before discovery of betrayal. I know this to be true for my own marriage, and it has been true for many other betrayed wives in my circles. Yet, it couldn't be true if appearance or body shape had much to do with it. Just being real here; but the way of the healing path can be somewhat rough on the physical body!
God requires exclusivity in marriage, not an ongoing visual superiority to any and all future competition. Sexual health and satisfaction in marriage intimacy has far more to do with spiritual maturity and a full surrender to God than it does physical attraction and arousal. A person can be attracted and aroused by many many things that could only ever bring about destruction and death! The mind must lead the body, not the other way around.
So, at nearly fifty years old, after many births (2 of them C-sections!) and a significant cortisol belly covered with stretch marks, I can say with confidence that it's probably not what you think.
I have personally struggled with body image issues and eating disorders my entire life, and after hearing chapter 1 of his disclosure saga at age 16, I was the first one to assign self blame for my boyfriend/husbands integrity issues. After all, if I had been "enough" his lust issue would have just melted away in the heat of my love...right? Isn't that what all the Christian books said: "Why would a man stop for a burger when he has steak waiting at home?" A truly evil question, leaving the wife of addicts dangling out there, feeling like left-over canned tuna...and its pretty hard to be open and welcoming when you feel that way!

To my husbands credit, he never did frame it that way. He lied and hid and spent his creativity figuring out new ways to feed his addiction, but he never actually blamed me. I simply lost my allure when I ceased to be part of his addiction pattern. Once we married I was no longer forbidden fruit, so I lost the addictive status of a "shameful pursuit" that other ways of acting out still retained. When he gave up his addiction and started to pursued a healthy, Godly view of sex and the body, I could begin to take my rightful place as the exclusive partner.

Only then could MY particulars become the visual cue that pleasure and comforts were coming soon. My particulars; my exact flaws and my exact scars were woven into the reality of who I was and this was a reminder of all that we could have together. Which is how it should be...because its how God designed it.
And back to the 90/10 rule explained in a different post: its in this atmosphere of a husbands pursuit of heathy sexuality that a betrayed wife can even THINK of opening up in any kind of feminine, flowering way. Anything "put out" before this kind of safety exists just creates more harm for the already traumatized wife, which requires more healing.
Like this post explains, much of my own journey has focused on healing from the fallout of trying to compensate for an addiction I was didn't understand. Because even though he didn't blame me, and scripture didn't blame me, the broader culture sure did!

My response: My friend!!! So so good to hear from you!!! I love how you write and your words of wisdom. We need to chat sometime soon about all of this (your writing and gifting). Thank you for coming here and pouring your words, expertise, wisdom out for the ladies. I appreciate YOU. And was just recently staring at a book on my bookshelf you sent to me YEARS ago!!!

I love everything you shared here. To say, at the age of almost 50, it's not what you think - thank YOU. To say that the broader culture blamed you - thank YOU. I feel so seen in all that you shared.

xoxo - Shelley

caroline replied: Hi Shelley, and Merry Christmas!
I hope things are going well for you and Jason and all your exciting endeavors. I really appreciated all the things you shared in this post about the body.
It seems that a hyper focus on the physical appearance is growing ever more important in Christian circles. Even the strongest of bodies can and will break under disease, accidents, age, and stress. Our vows of love and fidelity should reflect Gods own faithfulness to us, not the fleeting favor of the world.

My oldest son experienced a heart wrenching break-up last year and ended up on a Reddit "Christian dating" discussion thread. A strange world of aliases, where (mostly) young people bring their weighty questions to heave at each other. He found more people needing answers than giving out any good ones, so he started writing there and quickly ended up a moderator. He shares the weirdest ones with me but as there's just no end to it, I'm not allowed to go on for fear I will disappear altogether!

The self defeating ideas of the younger generation (20s-early 30s) break the heart: the bar is being set so high few dare enter. Appearance counts for so much: height, weight, BMI. So interesting is the way working out is seen as a spiritual discipline and "not being in great shape" is commonly and shamelessly listed as a reason to not date someone or leave an existing relationship! Wow. Just, wow.

My response: height, weight, BMI?! working out as a spiritual discipline?! This feels so so heavy. I think we need to write a book about this - what do you think?! It's just so misguided, and it breaks my heart for all of us, that there is this expectation that is SO out of reach, none of us can attain it. Perpetually being disappointed or thinking we are flawed. It's soul-crushing.

Thanks for sharing more here. ALWAYS love hearing from you.

xoxo - Shelley