Foundations- A Series
Whether you are in early-recovery or even in mid-recovery, it can be really hard to figure out - what are the focal points? How do I make sure and cover all my bases so that I can move through this and not stay in pain and agony longer than is needed?
As I have been working with women over the last decade plus - I have come to terms with the fact that there is no roadmap that is a one size fits all. I wish there was - I would hand it out to everyone.
Our individual journeys are just that - individual. However, we are all looking for the same thing: to get to the other side.
One of the things we are all looking to get to the other side of? The pain.
Pain. It’s freaking intense. And listen, it’s part of the process that is going to help mold you into who you were always meant to be.
We don’t want to skip over it.
In lieu of a one size fits all roadmap - what I can offer is a buffet (because it is close to Thanksgiving after all, so let’s talk in food terms!) full of the things that I believe are foundational in this process to cover.
Here are just some of the things I believe are foundational in the recovery process:
1 - Finding comfort in our bodies and in our homes (see below for more).
2 - Connecting with God, ourselves and others.
3 - Finding Safety.
4 - Full Disclosure - possibly including a polygraph - see part 1, part 2 and part 3.
5 - Detachment - watching and waiting.
6 - Knowing our Limits (Boundaries) and getting angry.
7 - Learning how to grieve (it’s not always natural).
The list goes on and on.
Think about for you: what do you believe is foundational in the betrayal recovery process that you want to address? And if you aren’t sure - it’s okay, we got you.
We are going to deep dive into these areas here on the blog over the next little bit as well as on IG and we are going to start with comfort.
Tracy wrote an excellent piece recently on comfort, including a recipe for bread! Bottom line from her post - it’s incredibly important that we find comfort from the source of all comfort - God.
In addition, it’s important to find comfort (amidst the pain and trauma) in our bodies as well as in our homes.
Trauma
I wrote a series recently on trauma - you can read the first post here and then if you want to keep reading the series, the rest are here, here, here and here.
Keep in mind that we can think of trauma as pain or overwhelm. It causes our brains to interpret everything (or almost everything) as danger - even when we are safe. I love this video that a friend sent to me - I feel like it explains trauma incredibly well.
One of the strategies that can help us work through trauma is allowing our bodies to have experiences that deeply contradict the helplessness that comes along with it (the trauma) (The Body Keeps the Score, page 3).
Focusing on comfort in our bodies as well as in our homes, I have found, to be an excellent strategy to help us contradict the feelings of helplessness.
In Your Home
Is there a spot in your home that brings you comfort and joy? Maybe it’s a cozy corner by a window that brings in a lot of natural light. Maybe it’s your closet because you feel cocooned in by the clothing on every wall.
Wherever it might be, I want to challenge you to find a spot that you feel comfortable with. And think about how you can make it more comfortable. Think: a blanket, a candle, a stool to perch your feet on.
Think of this area as your safe space. Grab a basket and put your Bible, your journal and some fun pens and pencils in it. Come here daily for refreshment and to allow your body to experience comfort.
In Your Body
When I think of bringing comfort to my body - I think of taking a warm shower (if I had one of those gorgeous soaking tubs, then forget about the shower!), clothing that is soft and loose-fitting, and getting under Jason’s electric blanket on his side of the bed.
I think of warm soup on a cold day, skipping the chips and sweets and opting for snacks that I know will make my body happy, chap stick (because yes, that is what I call it!) on my dry lips, and nestling up to a fire in our living room.
This is a GREAT time of year to practice comforting our bodies - there is just something about Fall that invites us to do so.
What brings comfort to your body?
Reading a book, snuggling with those you love on the couch, or maybe it’s laughter. Think about specifically what that is and work toward doing something on the daily that brings you comfort.
This, friends, is foundational in the recovery process.
Would LOVE for you to share below for others to read: what has helped you find comfort in your home as well as in your body? I can’t wait to learn from you and I’m excited for us to explore all the things on this foundational list. If there is anything you think needs to be on the top of the list or that you think we should explore more here - let me know that as well.
xo - Shelley
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Hey Gals! When I transitioned my old website to a new website in early 2026, I lost all my comments. These comments are precious to me and to so many of you. I am posting the comments here and please feel free to comment below if you have something you’d like to share. xoxo - Shelley
Donna Meredith Dixon said: Great post with so much helpful information! Thanks
My response: Hi Donna! So great to hear from you here! Glad you enjoyed it! xoxo - Shelley
Sharon Jackson said: Wonderful video on trauma!
My response: For reals! I just want to put it on repeat! xoxo
Zoe Ann said: What a wealth of realistic, do-able resources! And I think EVERYONE needs to watch the video on trauma...it puts together so many pieces, and explains things in a great way. Thank you for this helpful resource.
My response: Isn't that video great? I love it! xoxo
Keri said: Thank you, Sehlley! All you write is filled with rich wisdom!
My response: Thank you Keri! xoxo
Shirley said: I put music on and dance, I find this helps.
Sitting with God and inviting him into my pain. And ask for his healing.
I have also learnt about the different areas of my brain and what traumas sit in each area, then I laid my hands on each area of my brain and prayed over each area and released the trauma , I felt something lift.
My response: LOVE this Shirley!!! Thank you so much for sharing what helps you!!! I LOVE the dance piece, too!
xoxo - Shelley
RE said: I find comfort in my soft fuzzy blanket from Cariloha. Maybe it's not super healthy because of being idle, but I also sometimes find comfort in playing a video game or watching a movie/show or reading a book. It just relaxes me a bit and I don't worry about my life's problems for a short time. Sometimes though concentrating on anything other than those problems is impossible, so I can't even relax into the comfort that I usually get from those things.
My response: Thank you for sharing more of the things that comfort you!!! I think our bodies NEED to rest so it's important to find things that bring us comfort where are bodies can move (while providing comfort) and things that provide comfort while resting. xoxo - Shelley
RE replied: also, I would like to change my name and put my email in here. I set it up as a guest, but didn't realize that I wouldn't get any notifications that way. Unsure where to go to change that. Thank you. :)
My response: Can you email me directly and I will try to figure it out - my email is Shelley@rlforwomen.com. Thanks!
Chelle said: Hi Shelley , I’ve read this previously, but God just put it in my path again today oh so precious and much needed reminder I had these spots carved out however we downsized in the last year and a new betrayal came along with it and I’ve been in fight or flight …. I need my safe spots again and I’m finding them right now!!!! Thank you God Bless ♥️I love that idea of praying for each part of your brain too …
My response: I always love hearing from you here. Yes - we need our safe spots!!! Sending you so many hugs today. xoxo
Courtney said: I had a favorite blanket that definitely became my security comfort blanket that I would tote around like a toddler- but it helped!
Also learning about boundaries, giving myself permission to enforce them within my marriage and home gave me the space I need to create safety and comfort from that trauma feeling.
caroline said: Thanks for linking this old post.
Years ago I came across a wonderful book called "Safety Zones; Finding Refuge in Times of Turmoil" .
Written by Elizabeth Skoglund, a wonderful writer of my mothers generation, it is sadly out of print now. Even before reading through the whole book, the ideas implicit in that beautiful subtitle gave me full permission to be my own advocate during troubled times, as well as encouraged me to arrange for spaces and rituals that would foster rest and healing.
I remember a passage called "A foxhole in my mind" that quoted a famous WWII general (I think). It had to do with creating a mental refuge for those moments when physical retreat is impossible. That helped me so much because this is often where I have found myself: no where to run to, no where to hide!
The 23 psalm can always usher me right into that mental safe place "...thou prepares for me a table in the presence of my enemy..." . I can instantly picture myself in situations where I have felt safe and at peace:
-A favorite mountain picnic spot between two streams
-Walking along a mostly empty beach in the early morning
-Swimming in the lake with my kids in the warm afternoon sun
-Puttering in my own garden, picking raspberries for dessert
-Lying under apple trees in the orchard, munching the windfalls
-Autumn walks through the leaf strewn forest
-Crunching through the stillness of a first snow, leaving distinct tracks in that perfect white layer
-Hearing the first strains of old familiar Christmas music of the year, or smelling the first batch of cookies baked
Up here in the cold dark arctic, January is a long awaited holing up time for me, (think of the Danish idea of "hygge", if you know what that is). Candles, healing music, loose pants, thick fuzzy socks, velvety soft blankets, soup simmering on the stove, spicy baked things that smell amazing...I am not bothered by the months of darkness that many suffer through here.
This year I have been storing up all sorts of cozy books to burrow into, starting next week maybe. Many of them are actually comforting children's books to read aloud after the sun goes down each afternoon around 4pm (though we are gaining a few minutes each day). Boil the kettle for tea, light the candles. A cellophane wrapped boxed set: 21 volumes of a mid-century, English kids adventure series hidden waits under my bed...
