The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth - Part 1

Hi Ladies - continuing with the Foundations Series - I wanted to share about the Full Disclosures process.  This below is what came out of me - not exactly what I was expecting.  Such a tender part of my story and it feels vulnerable sharing it.  I will be back with a part 2 with more thoughts on the Full Disclosure.

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It was hot outside as I raced to the bookstore after seeing my last patient for the day.  I prayed as I walked in.  I remember the cold air was a welcome relief to my body - I had been sweating all day in that black car with the black leather seats.  Not your ideal car in the heat of a Texas summer.  

Back to praying - I quietly kept praying for something to show me the way, show me what to do.

I don’t recall which section I ended up in - but I was desperate to find a book that would help me.  My husband had been unfaithful to me.  But I truly had no clue what my next step should be.

I figured my best bet was to just not say anything about the phone call I had with her.  To not share all I knew when he, my husband, would arrive home the next day from his work trip.  I would keep it a secret.  Store it away and hopes it would go away forever.

I scanned the titles of the books.  I pulled several of them off the shelf, hoping that they would be the life line I was looking for.  I then slowly slid each book back into place, losing hope with each one that I would find the book that would show me the way.

Then I spotted a book entitled - “What to do When Your Spouse Says I Don’t Love You Anymore.”  Ouch, the title hurt.  I started bargaining with myself - he hadn’t actually said he didn’t love me.  Therefore, the book was probably not a fit for me.  Put it back. 

Deep down however, I was left to question his love for me.  So maybe it could help?

I flipped through the book while hot tears started to run down my cheeks.  Yes, indeed, this book was exactly what I needed to read.

I burst into tears by the time I got to the checkout counter, uncontrollably sobbing.  The last few days had finally caught up with me as I saw my world crumble before my eyes.

After paying for the book, I turned to walk out of the store and a kind woman, an angel really, stopped me and asked if she could pray over me.  I said yes and she lovingly showed me that I wasn’t alone.  God was with me.  She slipped her business card into my hand and I quickly fled to my car.

Once home, I knew I had about 24 hours before Jason would arrive home.  I had to come up with a plan.  Something better than just ignoring it.  I had done that for almost a year and it was ripping my insides out.

I sat down and read the book through the night.  And it was in that book that I first heard of a Full Disclosure.  Dr. Clarke called it The Document and it’s apart of Chapter Eight - the title you, yes all of you will love:  The Truth, the whole Truth and nothing but the truth.  It gets even better - the subtitle:  You will be told everything in spoken words and in writing.

Thank you Dr. David Clarke.  Finally, someone that was willing to stand for me in getting the truth.  You are my literal hero.

As I read about The Document, I remember feeling my body relax.  THIS.  This was exactly what I needed.  I needed a written account of Jason’s actions.  I needed the full truth.  I needed him to sit down and commit to sharing exactly what happened.  Anything omitted would be a lie and it would be the biggest crack in our foundation.  It was his only chance.

Over the next 24 hours, I continued to question if I could stand up for truth like this.  Jason had made it very clear that he wasn’t interested in discussing the past - In fact, he told me several months earlier:  "What’s in the past will stay in the past.  We need to move on.”

It was not kind, it was not nice.  It was a threat.  And I bought into it. 

But not anymore.

The next evening, I prepared myself for the confrontation.  I wrote out exactly what I needed to say.  Just like Dr. Clarke suggested, I got angry prior to his arrival and used it as a motivator to push me through.  I told myself I had a right to be married to a faithful man.

I turned off all the lights in the house so that I could see Jason’s car coming and be prepared.

I sat on the stairs, with our dog Astro next to me, waiting.  Peering out the window.  Waiting.

I saw Jason come down the street and I knew it was time.

I turned on the living room light, heart literally beating out of my chest, and waited for him to walk in.

Without going into all the detail - what I want you to know is - I was strong.  I was brave.  I told him I had a right to the truth.

His face went pale.  He looked like he would faint.  An indication there was so much more.

I didn’t back down.  I slammed the book on the couch and told him - “If you care at all, you will read this.” 

I then went into my room, our room.  Locked the door and didn’t come out until the next morning.

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As always, I love hearing from you.  What resonates with you from my story?  What hurts?  What gives you hope?

xo - Shelley

ps. Part 2 of this post can be found here.

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Hey Gals!  When I transitioned my old website to a new website in early 2026, I lost all my comments.  These comments are precious to me and to so many of you.  I am posting the comments here and please feel free to comment below if you have something you’d like to share.  xoxo - Shelley

Melanie said: Shelley, thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this. I can relate to so much! Searching for a solution to the chaos and pain. Wondering if I have the courage to demand the truth. And finally responding boldly to the voice that whispers to my spirit, "You are worth more than this."

My response: Thanks Mel for your thoughts! It's like a warm blanket wrapped around me - saying "me too"! I love how you said - responding boldly - it takes such boldness! And then your spirit whispering - "you are worth more than this". YES!!! xoxoxo

Diane M Dalton said: I am forever indebted to you and Jason for all you do. I was told by my pastor that the reason I pressured my husband for all the gory details was because I wanted to "stick it to him"! I was also made to feel like it was my fault, go home , be a good wife, and everything would be ok. My husband was being just like 100 other men who sat in his office and told him the same thing. However, after his transforming weekend at EMB, I got full disclosure. It was one of the worst days of my life. However, I needed to know what I was forgiving him for, and more importantly, that he was capable of telling the truth. Just to hear him sit there and tell me horrible things he had done our entire married life helped me to know he was humble enough to make things work. It helped me to believe later on when I questioned him about something that triggered me. It was a very important step in our reconciliation. Also, Kitchen Convos is like my " other Bible"! You have helped us so much and I am filled with gratitude for you and Jason. Much Love, Diane

El said: Thank you so much for sharing something so personal and vulnerable. Somehow I missed the memo that this was written by you (lol). When I got to the end I read "Jason"! Then it hit me I was reading your testimony, Shelley! And it couldn't have come at a better time, as I've come to realize I need full disclosure both verbal and written. I use to view my husband as the epitome if sinless perfection, believing he would never lie to me or cheat on me. So this false perception of him was smashed to pieces when I learned about his transgressions and it really turned my world upside down; ironically for the better, as The Lord used this bad for MY good (Romans 8:28), to help me see my identify in Him and that He alone is my source of everything. God is so good! Thank you for all you do! R.L has made me a better child of God.

-El

Laura said: Such perfect timing! I do deserve to be married to a faithful man! After 33 years of marriage, we are on the verge of a legal separation because my husband failed a polygraph after what was supposed to be a full disclosure. He had all kinds of excuses about why he didn't pass, but I have held firm. I said he could go ahead and retake it anytime, but he has refused.

I hate our current plan which is to get a legal separation, sell our house, and each move into our own new life. I have tried and tried to make things work, and part of me feels guilty about moving on. But it has been 13 years since he was fired for sexually harassing a young woman at his job- and I believed his story-until I found his digital stash of pornography several months later on our 21st wedding anniversary.

I do deserve to be married to a faithful man who will tell me the whole truth! I have done my best to obey God's Word through every step. Thanks again for the timeliness of this article. I praise God for all the ways He is supplying what I need!

Beth said: Boy does this resonate! And I am 7 years post discovery. I got most of a full disclosure but I found other things that were omitted. The worst being his arrest report with exactly what he said to the 2 undercover police women he thought were his “Wednesday special,” 2 for the price of 1. The arrest report was hidden in his workshop. I remember sitting at the dining room table and my heart pounding out of my chest. Anger, disgust, pain……and for what. At that point , we had been married for 31 years and he had been feeding his addiction for 20-25 years. In researching phone records and his bank account statements, I found more “nuggets” that he had not told me. Absolutely devastating. There’s nothing quite like finding out your husband paid $100 for a prostitute on your birthday when he had apologized that morning for not having money to buy me a gift. I had told him not to worry about it, it was ok.
He has had some “slip ups” in the last 7 years with porn.
I stayed with him because I just couldn’t imagine telling our children and my family. I prayed and asked God to give me a heart to still love him if He wanted me to stay and He did. I will always wonder if it was a terrible mistake for me to stay and fight for my marriage. I wonder when I will say enough is enough because of the slip ups. I wonder if I should have loved myself enough to leave.
I still grieve . I still feel pain. I still feel angry. Certainly not all of the time but just to say what a long process this is.
All that to say that YOU DESERVE to hear the complete truth. Every time he lies or omits or gets defensive when your female intuition is saying something is wrong, more cracks in the foundation form and your ability to trust is eroded again. I asked God to help me find the truth and the lies. He is faithful and you can trust Him.

Samantha said: I love the strength and power and demand you found for yourself and your rights within the marriage. Exactly what im struggling to find right now, my voice.

Gina said: First, I love and admire you so much.
You gave me the strength I needed to say and believe I deserved the truth .
I’ll never forget confronting my ex for the first time … the heart beating out of my chest …showing him the proof I had about his unfaithfulness.
This is a feeling I will never forget.
My ex never embraced humbleness- stayed stuck in what is in the past is in the past/ accept it…. Without my fully understanding the truth… and receiving empathy.
You and Jason have given me hope.
Strength and hope.
Relationships going forward / I know I am worthy of truth and respect .
Gina

Jeanne Thompson said: Shelley,
I heard Dr. Clarke on FOTF and sent for the book immediately! My situation was different than yours and (I was not as brave!) but I had an inner witness to the “not messing around” message! I knew that hubby needed to take me seriously! This message gave me the courage to leave the country (literally)to visit my daughter while my husband decided if he was ready to make serious changes. What a difficult time! I needed his arms around me and I felt I was paying for his sins! I knew I would just carry on living like all was well, between outbursts, if I didn’t get some space and time to grow a spine!

I am grateful that hubby has decided to repent and we are seeking to learn how to deal with my pain and his shame together. It is still not easy and there are tense moments for sure! But through the pain is a glimpse of light! You are a rock star!! I love your podcasts! We actually both do! Thank you! May God continue to enrich you!

Jeanne

Kelly said: This is so powerful, thank you for sharing. I do deserve truth. Mine refused full disclosure, stating that I had it, calling me controlling. He found out that the lies had to be included in full disclosure.... Then he started DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim offender. It is nearly 40 years in the wilderness and God is rescuing me through divorce. While it's brutal going through divorce, the lies, church leadership/spiritual abuse, rejection.....stuffing my emotions, blaming myself, deception, lies, secrets, being thrown under the bus on a regular basis, (I lived under it), is far worse. God loves His daughters, His design for marriage is beautiful. What I experienced was not marriage. God's provision, kindness, rescue, love, tenderness, rebukes, guidance has been more than astounding to me as I surrendered myself into His loving care. I now stand boldly in the truth and know that He has a lot planned for my life.

Ruth said: What does one do when the only answer I get is “I can’t remember everything I did” is this valid? I have found my husbands stash so many times in our 23 years of being married but I want to know if there have been times that he’s had a stash that I didn’t find and he says he can’t remember 😢

Muchalone said: I loved your statement that you have a right to be married to a faithful man...I have thought that many times, and have been told that I was being unreasonable because no one is perfect...I understand mistakes of many kinds...but faithfulness is not a 'mistake'--it's a choice to walk away from the one you claim to love. Yes, I have a right to be married to a faithful man. Thank you for this reminder!

Sharon said: Thanks Shelley. Your story and mine seems so similar. I too had my discovery while my husband was out of town on a business trip. Those two days were the worst of my life. Unlike your story I knew nothing about a full disclosure until the second “D” day happened 9 years later. Yes the disclosure was the worst day but the best day because I now had truth as my guide. We are almost 2 years since our full disclosure with followup polygraphs. It was the freedom my husband needed to start facing the bondage he had lived with for over 30 years.

Elaine said: How does he come to understand empathy and I receive it from him?

Jill said: Shelley,
Isn't it so scary to say those words "this is your last chance"! I said exactly this when I was told about some of my husbands "activities". He told me some of the horrendous story, and I told him he had one more chance to tell me everything if there was anything else to tell. The next morning as he sat me down at the kitchen table and disclosed his 6 year long physical affair, as I'm sure you all can relate, everything in my world I knew to be true exploded into a million pieces. Now, almost 6 months later, we are working hard on healing ourselves and our marriage. My husband is truly remorseful, empathetic and broken over this pain he has caused me. He is getting help for his addiction and we are working on safety, honesty and rebuilding trust. When this all happened I did not know how I would survive, much less how my marriage would survive, but day by day things are healing. Thank you for sharing your story, for your vulnerability and your encouragement. It is such a blessing.