Grieving Well

This article is apart of the series on Foundations - you can click here to see the first post, including all the links to the other posts in this series.

Grief:

Uncomfortable.

Mysterious.

Challenging.

Humbling.

A Choice.

Vulnerable - oh, so vulnerable.

The way through.

Ladies - grief work is some of the absolute hardest work that we will ever {ever} do. I have yet to find someone that enjoys grieving. It is just that painful. And while it is natural and God-given to grieve - it can also become complicated because of how uncomfortable it is and how we can unknowingly work toward circumventing it to preserve said comfort.

In addition, grief is complex - it does NOT want to be put in a box. It needs to breathe, to move, to shake things up. To show us the way.

The Purpose of Grief

I can get behind doing hard things when I understand the purpose.

{Can I get an Amen?}

Grief fits into the hard things category and thus it's important for me to really conceptualize both its purpose and its importance.

The way I see it, grieving is our mind, heart, body and soul’s way of moving through pain. When we allow ourselves to grieve, we are humbling ourselves to God, recognizing our humanness and fragility and with faith, hoping that He will patch us back together stronger than we were before.

It is one of the most humbling practices we do. And I see it as an imperative to get to the other side and live in a place of peace, acceptance and redemption. To be BETTER because of the pain and grief. To be stronger. To be wiser. That is the goal.

What We Need To Grieve Well

In order to grieve well, there are many things that we need. I’m narrowing this list down so as not to overwhelm but curious what else you might add:

#1 - The support of others - The key in this support is to have women surrounding us that will validate us, see us, hear us, choose us. In the midst of our vulnerability. This is so incredibly powerful and healing.

This is also really hard for us to find when we are grieving something we can't readily share with just anyone. Keeping our grief to ourselves doesn't work. We need, we must share our grief with others in order to get through it.

#2 - The ability to Get. It. Out. - via talking, writing, screaming, crying. Truly, allowing ourselves to purge the emotions.

#3 - A lack of time constraints. Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to “get over” the hurt and pain. Why the pressure? Remember that grief knows nothing of time and only of showing us when we have more pain to release and more healing to be had.

AND - oftentimes it’s he that puts pressure on us to just get over it. When we feel constraints from the one that has hurt us, this is not only incredibly disrespectful to our emotions, our hurt, our pain but also to our healing process. If your husband or x-husband is saying anything close to - "you just need to get over it" - hard pause. Red flag. Let’s talk.

#4 - Compassion for ourselves - recently I read that when we are critical of ourselves, we are putting ourselves into a “protective" response where our thinking brains go off line and the smoke alarms start to go off (think: fight, flight, freeze, appease). This will NOT help us grieve.

Recently when I was in the thick of grief, I threw myself onto the bed and I told myself, “Shelley, it’s so okay to hurt, you can do this, let yourself hurt.” This was the voice of self-compassion that I so needed to hear.

I give the ladies I work with via groups and 1:1 coaching a specific self-compassion exercise to use - I am happy to send it your way, just let me know.

#5 - Courage to step into the unknown of grief and hope that God will see me through - For myself, one of the things that really prevents me from digging deep into grief is because I become fearful that it might overtake me completely. And I won’t come back, or it will take me a long time to recover. Anyone else have this fear?

Lamentations 3:22-24 speaks to this:

The faithful love of the LORD keeps us from destruction.

Great is his faithfulness, his mercies begin afresh every morning.

I say to myself, “the LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him."

What I have learned is goodness, relief and calm does come. It's a process and while destruction happens overnight, healing takes longer. We learn to ride the wave.

And as I step into the grief, I have to remind myself to go courageously and know that God will meet me with compassion and mercy. He is my hope.

As always, I would love to hear from you. Are you in the thick of grief? Do you see purpose in it? What has helped you the most?

xo - Shelley

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Hey Gals!  When I transitioned my old website to a new website in early 2026, I lost all my comments.  These comments are precious to me and to so many of you.  I am posting the comments here and please feel free to comment below if you have something you’d like to share.  xoxo - Shelley

T said: Thanks for giving us this encouragement.

My response: Absolutely - glad you are here, T. xoxo - Shelley

M L said: Thank you for that. I am two years in and my husband is doing the “why aren’t you over it?” thing. I’m still waiting for my turn-it’s been all about him. I’m having to figure out how to take the time to grieve without worrying about the effect it has on him. Honestly, this stage has been harder than the beginning.

My response: Thank you for sharing M L. I know you are so not alone in dealing with someone that won't allow you to grieve. I think you are on the right track - surrendering the effect it has on him is spot on. The grief must come out - for your healing. If he continues to do this - detach, boundaries, etc. Let us know how it goes. xoxo - Shelley

Lynn said: I’ve learned that when I grieve I feel a sense of closeness with Father God and pray for his love… my very strength to allow myself to feel hurt because I am hurt… it’s a deep feeling I cannot hold in and think that holding it in would somehow subside into some feeling of happiness. I must feel the hurt, I must grieve when my heart feels pain. And IT IS OKAY TO DO SO.

My response: I just love this Lynn! Thank you for sharing. You are AMAZING!!! xoxo - Shelley

Deborah said: Thank you so much for this post on grief. A much needed resource for me to go to when I need to honor the time I need to grieve. I've always been one not to skip over any steps in any process knowing that I would have to go back and finished the work that was not taken into consideration that would be needed to finish the work of healing. It applies to everything in life and this is no exception. I'm grateful for your ministry, your insight and your vulernability to be a light on this path to help women heal in their walk of sexual betrayal. Grief is something that should not be dismissed with a calendar date as to " you should be over this by now" statement and move on. Depending on the length of the betrayal and deception, it can take a long process with the results of healing, restoration and hope. Walking that path now and will continue to forge ahead to see the healing and redemptive story of it all. Blessing to your and Jason for the ministry He has put your hand to.

My response: Yes Deborah - I love how you said it's important to honor the time needed to grieve. It truly is honoring ourselves in this process. Thanks for YOUR encouragement and God bless you as you continue to heal. xoxo - Shelley

Christie T said: Thank you for this! Everything came crashing in November of 2021.. and though things seem to be progressing, yes I have days. But man just working on our taxes and then having to go back through last year just hit me so hard. It felt brand new again. Which frustrates me, because I really don’t want to go backwards. He doesn’t understand because he says that’s no longer the man I am or that I want to be. Honestly that’s fantastic but gets me even more mad because I’m like why we’re you ok being him AT ALL!
I needed to read and hear that scripture as I’m sitting here taking a break from worshipping God and playing my ukulele getting my focus off of everything and putting it into the goodness and might of Jesus.
Thanks

My response: Hi Christie -

First, I love that you play a ukulele! Second and third - TOTALLY understand why taxes would be very very painful to work on - oh my goodness. And while your husband says that he isn't and doesn't want to be that man anymore - I don't see that as very comforting. It doesn't take away the pain of his actions. Not yet anyways... LOVE what you said - why were you okay being him AT ALL!!! YES.

Friend, you aren't going backwards. Grief needs so much space to move and breathe and shake things up. Stay the course. You will get through. xoxo - Shelley

muchalone said: Thanks for this post. The way you phrase the needs of grief tell me that it's okay to be needy for time...for processing...for feeling.
My husband tries to prohibit anger...and grief often contains some anger mixed with other emotions, so it is hard to take that time...claim the right to express my grief...and yes, he still insists that I should have been 'over it' a long time ago...
This post created a soothing space to check into my feelings and allow memories to surface.

KathrynWood said: Grief. My life the last year! Taking a 12 week healing journey. Writing a lament. Hurting. Hurting Hurting. You wonder if the pain will ever cease. I ask the Lord. “how long”. Spring has brought new life to me as I have a counselor who is finally confronting my husband and setting limits. I am seriously considering divorce after 41 years and 4 years of husband continuing his patterns. Pray that grief will move us all to a better place

Mindi said: My husband's affair happened 20 years ago and I'm just barely starting to grieve. I find I shut down a lot and am struggling to grieve.