On Becoming

HI Friends!

I feel like it’s been a while since I’ve sat down to share my heart with you. As you may (or may not) know - writing pieces for you here on the blog is one of my most favorite things. My dream might just be to write all day - but that doesn’t necessarily keep the lights on around here.

My plan for this Fall is to start working on a book proposal / my next book as well as partnering with Tracy to work on a devotional for you. As I look at my calendar, I’m not sure when I will have the time to sit down and really dig into these next projects. I am learning that things take so much more time for me to complete (for instance, the Boundaries MasterClass took me 18 months from start to finish!). I’m learning a lot about being patient and letting these projects take the time that they need in order to become.

Before we talk more about becoming - I want to give you a glimpse as to what you can look forward to reading from us this Fall: we are going to dive into talking about some of the Foundational Pieces of this process. Whether you are new to this process or whether you consider yourself a veteran - this will apply to you.

For instance, in October - we are going to talk about comfort in our home and in our bodies and the importance of that as we navigate recovery. Then as we move into November and December, we will talk about safety, knowing our limits / getting angry, watching and waiting and last but certainly not least - disclosure.

It’s going to be good.

Back to Becoming

The first thing I think of when I think about “becoming” is book entitled The Velveteen Rabbit. A sweet friend (whom was once a member in one of my groups) mentioned the book to me years ago. Sure, I had heard of the book but I hadn’t ever read it in it’s entirety. If you haven’t taken the time to read this book, I beg you to.

The Skin Horse talks to the Rabbit about what it looks like to become Real. And this process of becoming. He says this:

“It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” - Margery Williams

What is Becoming

Before even typing out the above quote for this article, I took notes of what becoming looks like to me. Here is what I came up with:

• Becoming is the potential that awaits us all as we take our next little step forward in this process.

• Becoming is shedding the old in order to step into the new. It takes faith.

• Becoming is getting to choose what is worth reclaiming, and what needs to be left behind.

• Becoming is stepping into the wake of the shattered dreams, shattered expectations; and believing that on the other side of this - you will find her. The woman you were always meant to be.

And I will now add to this list:

• Becoming takes time, it’s not for the faint of heart, and it’s strictly for those of us that go through the process of becoming real.

Encouragement For You

Taking these thoughts from above, there are three things I want to share with you to encourage you to keep going on this journey. Because girls - there is so much good that awaits you!

#1 - this process of becoming is a faith builder. To shed the old and make room for the new - especially for those of us that don’t like change (that would be MEEEE!). To step into the exposure of not knowing what the new even holds?! Are you kidding me?

Ladies, it feels like so much exposure. Know that you are not alone as you go through this process and step up and out of the “old”. This season will NOT be wasted!

#2 - and piggy backing off of number one - I want you to know that who you are leaving behind is absolutely nothing compared to who you will find. I can say without hesitation that I like myself way better post-betrayal than who I was pre-betrayal. And just like what the Skin Horse refers to - I am not near as neat or packaged pretty on this side of it. And I LIKE that!

I am NOT saying that I didn’t grieve the parts of my life that I had to say good-bye to: whether it was innocence, purity within my marriage, (yes, big stuff!), a naive trust. Grief was so important, so do it - and also rest-assured that who you are becoming is so. much. better: strong, brave, worthy, enough.

#3 - Keep in mind that through this process of becoming,you get to choose what you want to reclaim (dignity, confidence, certain locations that are now triggering) and what isn’t worth redeeming (some of those other triggering locations, your wedding dress, certain holidays). You get to choose. And it’s okay to not reclaim it all.

Cheers to becoming. Keep going. Stay the course. Know that you can do this. Would love, as always, to hear your thoughts!

xo - Shelley

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Hey Gals!  When I transitioned my old website to a new website in early 2026, I lost all my comments.  These comments are precious to me and to so many of you.  I am posting the comments here and please feel free to comment below if you have something you’d like to share.  xoxo - Shelley

Emily Elkins said: I wrote this last Monday - a day that I felt like journaling (that’s rare for me).

“It’s hard to explain the range of emotions I feel or the thoughts that run through my mind in a given day. My brain seems to be working over time. I am consumed by thoughts and emotions. My flawed, yet secure, life imploded 6 months ago today. While some rebuilding has started, I still stand in the middle of the rubble trying to make sense of what happened, how it happened, what is worthy of being restored, and what is junk that I need to let go of - but letting go of old habits and things is painful and full of grief.”

I like the idea of becoming, but today it’s hard to embrace that. Do I want to go back to my old life 6+ months? No. Do I want to be on the other side thankful for who I have become? For sure. I just need to reframe this middle stage. Some days that’s easier than others.

My response: Ah the middle. It's not for the faint of heart, that's for sure. Thank you for posting your journal entry, Emily. Wow - it so speaks to the part of the post where we get to choose what is worth being restored and what we need to let go of. (We were on the same wave length last week!!!).

Keep going and know that you are NOT alone. We got you here and God absolutely has you.

xo - Shelley

Linda Friesen said: Hi Shelley, I've been working on a devotional as well - started it over 15 years ago now believe it or not - all before my world completely fell apart. Your blog post prompted me to read through my complete synopsis and outline of all the chapters - so much work already completed - hundreds of hours. I should really pick it up again. When I sent it off to LifeWay to gauge their interest in publishing a devotional on this topic, their reply was, "it's too much of a "niche" for the Christian market." How short-sighted they were. You and I know aren't enough resources out there for women who are suffering. I smiled when I read your post about the story - The Velveteen Rabbit - that's one of my devotional chapters in the outline. From one writer to another - "We read to know we are not alone." - C.S. Lewis With gratitude for Redemptive Living. Linda

My response: Hi LInda! What?! Too much of a niche market?! Wow. If only...
That is SO cool that one of your chapters is on the Velveteen Rabbit - and I LOVE that you dusted off the devotional - I DO think you should pick it up again and see it to completion! We need your words! And it might just be that this is a way better time for it to make it out to the world than 15 years ago.

Sending all my love! xo - Shelley

Linda Friesen replied: Thanks, Shelley. Every weekend, Matt and I listen to one of the podcasts you and Jason do. It's been so, so life-giving. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you guys do. I identify with everything the two of you have had to say. It ALL resonates. Every last bit of it. And, your words help me feel like I'm NORMAL in this messy process instead of failing. And, after hearing you share your heart so eloquently - I am giving myself more grace to just be right where I am. All of the broken bits of me. Here, today, leaning into healing. Courageously braving my journey to wholeness day by day. Bless you, sister. x Linda

My response: Awe! I LOVE that you are allowing yourself to be right where you are. Messy, broken, all of it. You got this girl! xo - Shelley

Jennifer E said: 4 years post disclosure and I finally feel like I’m becoming. I’m taking the time for my healing and shedding the old me. It’s been a hard journey so far with worthiness at the center of the hurt. But I’ve started…and I’m not going back.

My response: Yes Girl! Keep going! I am cheering you on!! xoxo - Shelley

Kelly Smith said: I loved this post so much, thank you!!!!!! In spite of all the crazy, I am becoming the woman that God made me to be!!!!!!!!

My response: Yay Kelly! Yes you are!!! Keep going girl! xo - Shelley

Sara said: Thank you so much for your words. I have always loved the story of "The Velveteen Rabbit" and this brought a new meaning to the story and to my own journey after my husband's disclosure around 7 years ago. I know I am not the same person I was before, at times I mourn the loss of that naive, carefree girl I used to be, but I also know I plastered on a fake Christian smile so many times and couldn't handle others' pain. Now I know I am becoming more "real," because I'm able to feel and accept all my emotions, set healthier boundaries for myself, and walk with others through their struggles. It's a hard and often lonely walk, especially when others pull away because they may not like the "real" me or don't know what to do with my pain, but I know I am also more real with Jesus and long for Him more and that is perhaps the most important thing.

My response: I love what you are saying here Sara! And can totally relate to - will others like the new me? The real, messier version? It is something I worry over and at the same time, I realize I can't spend too much time there. Onward and upward! xo - Shelley

Sara replied: One more thing, I'm realizing that I have learned to recognize and embrace my anger throughout these past sevral years, but I'm also realizing that I don't want to choose to STAY in my anger or let the new me be an "angry person" and that it's going to be a process to choose to leave that behind going forward. I just watched the movie "Philomena" and it was such a powerful testimony of choosing forgiveness and the peace that comes with it versus staying angry and bitter when we've been wrong.

My response: yes, yes, yes. I as well think Anger is so important to recognize but to also move through. It can be our friend but it is NOT a long-term friend. It helps us know something isn't right - and then we have to use it to motivate us to do something different in order to make things better. Thanks for coming back and sharing more! xoxo - Shelley

DJ Crossman said: Thanks for the encouragement throughout the blog. I can never get enough of hope and encouragement these days! Something that hit me: I want to grieve well what I have lost so that I can full envelope the new gifts God has and will give me, but wait! How do I do this?

My response: Ahhhh!!!! I always love hearing from you DJ!!! I guess that is the million dollar question - how. I believe for you, you are ALREADY doing this! Keep going sister, keep going. xoxo - Shelley

Muchalone said: Oh, how timely this is for me. My niece is getting married this summer...the same month and day as my wedding...and I SO want to scream, but I am not sure if I want to scream NO! or "I REALLY hope it goes better for you than it did for me"
I stopped cherishing that day long ago, so I was surprised to realized that I was still triggered by it. For myself, I usually ignore the anniversary aspects of that day, because it seems like it is better left. But for my niece...and all the extended family who expect me to be excited that we will share an anniversary...I feel like I need to redeem enough of something to participate in the event for my niece...but I don't have any desire to reclaim it for my self...
It is an odd tug-of-war...and your post gives me some ideas...and encouragement.

Thank you!

My response: yes, what an odd tug of war indeed. I love that you are engaging this and trying to figure out how to move through it with peace and allow it to be apart of your process. I am cheering you on! Would love for you to report back with ideas / how it goes if you think of it! xoxo - Shelley