Safety: A Hallmark of Recovery

This morning, I called the State of Colorado to inquire about my PT License. I mistakenly allowed my “inactive status” PT license to lapse last October and didn’t even realize this until January.

Ladies. This was a problem.

My PT career has been my big back up plan. My security blanket. My insurance policy incase my marriage falls apart.

As most of you know - I was obsessed with my work as a PT. And if we connect on IG, you might have already read my post from last week about how I kicked and screamed for YEARS before saying okay, I will go where you go, God.

Over the last year, the sweetest thing has happened which has helped me feel like my schooling and time as a PT wasn’t for not: I have been able to use my expertise as a Physical Therapist to help women connect to their bodies as well as to teach women about their nervous systems and what it looks like to become more regulated. God really doesn’t waste anything.

That is my loose segue into what I want to share more about today: safety. It’s going to take the tiniest bit of neuroscience to unpack this, so here is me being grateful for my degree.

We talk a LOT about getting safe in order to be able to heal from betrayal. But what does that even mean?

Safety and our Window of Tolerance

The window of tolerance is a word first coined by Daniel Siegel. His book, Mindsight, is in my queue and I hope to be reading it soon (I have had it in my queue for about two years, sorry Daniel!). Think of the Window of Tolerance as the state of being where you feel safe, calm and secure. More specifically it’s where your nervous system feels safe, calm, secure and regulated.

We can move outside our window of tolerance - sometimes for the better and sometimes for worse. We move outside our window of tolerance when we are in stress (think: sympathetic response). We also move outside our window of tolerance when we stay in a stressed state for too long (this is called dorsal vagal shutdown).

What is key is to work at staying in our window of tolerance (the calm state) because it’s WHEN we are in this calm state that we can better process and integrate the painful parts of our stories.

Bottom line: when we are “inside" our window of tolerance, we can digest pain and trauma in order to get unstuck and move forward in a healthy way.

How do we stay put in and grow our window of tolerance?

There are many things that can help us stay in and grow our window of tolerance. I am going to share three strategies below -

Co-Regulation

This is one of the three hallmarks of Polyvagal Theory, which is something we dig into at the RLW Retreats. Co-regulation essentially speaks to the fact that we regulate our nervous systems off of others we are around. That said, being in community with others that we feel calm and relaxed with is going to help us stay in our window of tolerance and likewise, this will also grow our window of tolerance.

This is why I believe group support is so so transformative. It will not only help us stay in our window of tolerance, it will help widen it.

Boundaries

Remember, the reason we set boundaries is to get safe, yes, and we do this by protecting ourselves (with boundaries). Boundaries = Protection. Boundaries in the recovery process also help us gain clarity - but that’s a story for another day!

Bottom line - boundaries help us protect the window of tolerance that we are working to stay in.

Boundaries can be HARD to figure out. If you are new on this journey - one step in the right direction is to simply consider: what are your limits? What are you okay with and not okay with? Name your limits. And when something happens that you are not okay with - say it out loud.

I am not okay with him looking at porn.

I am not okay with my son watching TV before doing homework.

I am not okay with eating Cheetos (one of my fav junk foods, in case you were wondering) for dinner.

While we haven’t set boundaries by naming our limits, we have brought an awareness to the things we value and thus want to protect. From the examples above - we clearly value sexual integrity, we value doing first things first and we value nutrition over Cheetos (as sad as that makes me).

Bringing Awareness to our Bodies

When I am outside my window of tolerance, I feel disconnected from my body. This will oftentimes happen to me if I’ve had a long workday with clients and I shift directly from client care to parenting. There’s been no decompression and I feel like I am outside myself looking in.

{Quick pause: do you know what it feels like internally when you are outside your window of tolerance? If so, name it. If not, let's talk more about this!}

Being aware of when I am in this disconnected state (physically, and more specifically from a neurological perspective) is critical. If I can go for a walk (with Pluto, of course), listen to the birds chirping and feel the sun beating on my face (even though I always wear a hat and glasses - thanks m + d for the delicate skin!), I am able to quickly reconnect with me.

Find your thing. It could be a walk or it could be lying on the bed and doing deep breathing. It could be going outside and using your five senses to name what you are experiencing. The ideas are endless. The point is - be aware of when you are off kilter and then take the time to reconnect with you.

__________

Safety is an experience. It’s a way of being. It’s feeling calm, connected, grounded. And THEN doing the recovery work from this place as much as possible. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. We will flow in and out. But staying in a place of safety is one of the foundational components to healing well.

So about that call this morning - I know you are all wondering. {Haha!}

The nice lady with the state basically told me I have to reinstate my license and jump through ALL the hoops (whatever those are) since I let it lapse. She also told me, which I greatly appreciate, that even if I didn’t let it lapse - if I ever choose to go back to “active" status - I would have to jump through those same hoops.

So - my mistake really saved me some money. No more paying the every other year fee. And if I do choose to go back to PT someday - well, I will probably have to donate a kidney, sell a child and do a triple back flip. Hopefully it won’t come to that. And if it does - it’s because it’s where God has asked me to go.

As always, I am here for your thoughts and questions. Just comment below and you can always use your initials or no name at all!

xoxo - Shelley

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Hey Gals!  When I transitioned my old website to a new website in early 2026, I lost all my comments.  These comments are precious to me and to so many of you.  I am posting the comments here and please feel free to comment below if you have something you’d like to share.  xoxo - Shelley

Linda said: Hi Shelley, Love this. Exactly what I needed to hear. I am still stuck - 5 years after D-day, because we haven't grieved the pain points as a couple. I cry whenever we go near the edge of the abyss. I know where the frayed edges of addiction stop thanks to our second therapeutic disclosure, ( after a botched first one ) but as the abyss of addiction was so wide and deep, and so much more painful than the porn piece of 25 years of porn use in marriage - I am still terrified to unpack what it did to us, our family and to my psyche. - I now have Complex PTSD, and depression and suffer social anxiety in a big fat way. Hearing about the window of tolerance and staying in that so we can work through the pain is something I have yet to master in any way, shape, or form. This feels endless. Every week we listen to Redemptive Radio as a couple. Cried through today's session. Thank you for the way you both minister through this. We've just joined the Academy - been to one meeting so far. Would love to hear more about the work you both do with couples. Grateful for you and Jason and all you are doing to help couples heal. Your story and the redemptive piece is what keeps us going and not despairing of life.

My response: Awe - thank you Linda, I appreciate your words. Feel free to email me if you have questions about couples coaching. Jason houses most of that information on his website - redemptiveliving.com - so that would be a good place to look as well.

It DOES feel endless. Even from what you said above, I see that you know the next big step - for the pain points to be grieved as a couple. Not you alone, but the two of you together. This is so critical and yet also so vulnerable when we don't know if he is capable or ready for this.

Oftentimes it's messy as all get out before we start to experience the healing. You will get there, keep taking the little steps. Let me know how I can help. xoxo - Shelley

Rhonda said: When I’m feeling disconnected I must go outside, and the colder the better. During the first year after discovery I spent so much time sitting on my front porch sobbing in the cold winter months. It’s all I could do. Your words validate and emphasize the importance of this time well spent.
And your words “ Hopefully it won’t come to that. And if it does - it’s because it’s where God has asked me to go.” I can’t stop reading them and I appreciate your example of submission to God while still caring for yourself. It’s really beautiful.

My response: Thank you sweet lady, I so appreciate what you are saying here. My submission has been quite messy - and what I know deep within is God is so very gentle with us as we walk the path of going where He leads us. I am so grateful for that. Sending hugs and love! xoxo - Shelley

Lisa Lansford Smith said: I love this. Can relate to this writing so much. I’ve been an OT for 33 years, in recovery with my husband for 6 and I also have kept my license “as a big security blanket.” Of course it sometimes feels like those new weighted blankets that are now getting so popular:( And you are right, feeling safe is foremost in the healing process. Boundaries I’m still working on. Keep up the amazing podcasts and articles, I’ll get there!

My response: yes Lisa, you will get there! Thanks for saying you can relate - I'm glad I'm not alone!!!

xoxo - Shelley

Carmen said: I am not sure what its like to be in my window. I do know what I do to cope with my feelings is I work, I have to stay busy so I don't think about what is going on in my life whiter that is a good thing I don't know but I survive and right now that is all that matters to me at this point. If I stop to think I cry and I really don't what to do that. I think the most important thing that I do that helps me is Read my Scriptures. and I can do that for hours if I can most of the time I am not able to.

My response: Hi Carmen -
Thanks for sharing your heart here. Know that you are not alone on wondering what it's even like to stay inside your window of tolerance! And staying busy in order to not go to a place of complete despair - yes, you are not alone.

Know that we are here to help you if and when you are ready to start talking through what you are feeling. Your feelings and emotions matter and there is hope for you.

Starting small - will simply naming what you are feeling several times a day. Again, simply recognizing it. And giving yourself heaps of compassion for right where you are.

Sending ever so many hugs your way.

xoxo - shelley

Bob Locke said: Bob

Some how I have gotten on your email list and I'm glad I did. My wife Becky and I are huge fans of Redemptive Living and so grateful for what your whole team does. This article has reminded me of just how courageous my wife has been and continues to be in her healing process . The Hell I put her through for over 10yrs. Literally breaks my heart. To watch her embrace the tools that y'all offer on a daily basis and be brave enough to slowly start opening up her heart to me. Is one of life's greatest treasures that I am learning to embrace each day.

Thank you so much
And God bless y'all at
Redemptive Living

My response: HI Bob!
Oh no, I'm not sure how you got on the RLW list - if you ever want me to remove you, just say the word! I can make sure you still get the RL content.

I'm glad you shared here. Your wife is very courageous and boldly leaning in, working on her healing. I am so proud of her!

Thanks for being a fan, we appreciate it!

Nicole said: Shelley, hearing it put that way...knowing my limits and saying them outloud....helped me hear something I had done the other day and felt guilt for doing.
Now I understand. I wasn't parenting my husband. I was stating things that were outside my window of tolerance. Those were vital to my sense of safety. Which is necessary for creating a calm, healing environment for me. They are boundaries I need and can have for me and my space.
Thank you for the timely input.

My response: Hi Nicole! So glad you felt validated by this article! Isn't it interesting how we can jump to what I call "misconstrued guilt" so quickly?! What made you feel guilty? Was it his reaction? Or something else?

I am so happy to hear you were able to see (post hoc) that your limits reflected an area where you needed boundaries to get back to safety. Good work!
xo - Shelley

rebecca stolz said: Thanks Shelley for all that you do for this community. Love your work for us!
I am 3 yr post dday.. doing lots of hard work and recovery. Even though husband sober, he is not safe emotionally for me. He is not in awareness every day /conversation about his destruction of 25+ years.
My question is being in his presence b/c of him not being safe, acting in behaviors/etc. I can get out of my window very quickly... he so unsafe to coregulate with right now.. it makes it impossible to heal these "gaping wounds' and yes I am clearly aware of how and what my calm/connected body feels when I am in the window of tolerance (benn in ongoing support/therapy).. what if that really never happens- i mean being able to coregulate because of the trauma? We are not living together for this big reason... he hijacks my nervous system. Thoughts?

Samantha Palser said: Hi Shelley, thanks so much for unpacking this. I was interested in the co-regulation aspect. I used to wonder why when my husband was upset I could be empathetic and supportive for him but that has rarely happened in reverse. If I was out of my window he could not give support or show empathy because he would join me 'out the window'. So for many years of our marriage (it's 30 this year) I just thought I could never be not ok because then we would both not be ok. I was taking responsibility for him even after shattering discoveries. Appreciate all the work you and Jason do. The podcasts are fantastic and as we finally approach a FTD, your story and your heart for helping others is such an encouragement.

My response: Awe!!! Thank you Samantha for your encouragement! Grateful you are here, just sorry that you even have to be here.

xo - Shelley

S said: My hubbs works in another state and we are trying to navigate this road to healing but with the distance, it's incredibly hard. He also tends to be avoidant, while I am anxious in regards to personality. So (per my therapist) he tends to avoid subjects around the offense, while it helps me feel more secure to talk about my feelings. The fact that he is the one that hurt me tends to make him avoid it even more. It's been a year since the offense and about 8 months since disclosure and I feel like I'm not moving forward with any consistency or real progress.

Speaking to "staying in a place of calm and relaxation"...what if you don't feel calm and relaxed with the one person you need to to heal?

S.

My response: Hi S - Thank you so much for sharing and for asking this question. I think based on what you shared, my biggest encouragement for you is to honor what you need: to talk about the hurt, with him. This is probably going to be a non-negotiable for you - or at least I WANT it to be a non-negotiable for you in your recovery. For him to initiate the convos, for you guys to talk about it, etc. I hope that helps but please let me know if you have any specific questions. xoxo - Shelley