The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth - Part 3.

Well - first of all, I just noticed in the last post, I said I would be back NEXT WEEK with the Q and A. Oh my goodness, I missed that one, didn’t I?! Why don't we start with dusting off Part One and Part Two of the blog posts from last YEAR (oh my goodness ladies, this is one of my favorite things to do, to write to you, and where have the last three months even gone?!)

I wanted to make sure and hit on some questions I frequently get about the Disclosure process. My heart is for you to feel empowered to ask for what you need, to see that this is truly foundational to healing and to know you can take up space and ask for this. And for you to always know: it's never too late to ask for a re-do on the disclosure if you feel it was incomplete the first time or if you feel something in the present isn't quite right.

And one caveat to everything I share below: There are absolutely nuances here and every case is different which means what we recommend can change depending on the situation.

With that said - here are some of my thoughts on the Full Disclosure process:

#1 - Do I need a Full Disclosure?

In order for there to be healing within the relationship - I do think a full disclosure is necessary. Not all women will receive a full disclosure, after all, it’s dependent on him being willing to share his sexual story with you.

This doesn’t mean a woman can’t heal on her own unless she has a full disclosure. Plenty of women, women working on my team in fact, have healed on their own without the full disclosure. However, if he is willing to give you a full disclosure, even if you don’t know if you will continue in the relationship - I do think it can help with the healing process.

If he is resistant to giving you a full disclosure - which is often the case - know that you have a right to this and his resistance is, chances are, indicative of the amount of secrets and shame that he is holding onto.

Your work is to gain strength and confidence so that you can ask for the full disclosure, amidst his resistance. Most often, he will succumb to the process if he sees it’s a non-negotiable for you to continue in the relationship.

And if he chooses not to honor your request and share his story with you (which is also, YOUR story, btw), then you can decide from there what you want and need to do.

#2 - What am I entitled to hear in the Full Disclosure?

You are entitled to hear it all. That doesn’t mean you will want to hear every detail - but know this is your right.

When we take a couple through this process, we expect him to do a timeline + narrative of his entire sexual story. Him being fully known with himself and others is vital to his recovery success.

What we have found is that for men that do not put it all out on the table, white knuckling with their acting out can only last for so long. Anywhere that secrets lurk in the dark is a recipe for disaster and relapses.

We work with women to find out how much they want to know. This is unique to each woman. Finding that balance between knowing and understanding the story of your life, yes - his story is your story, too! - and not knowing every detail and overly traumatizing oneself is important.

What can be helpful to not know about (but again, not off the table if you need these details) are: locations, body types and sexual positions to name a few. Possibly better said - be aware that if you are privy to these details, these things will be tainted. But the good news is: you get to choose what you want to reclaim. And you also get to choose what isn’t worth redeeming (that is a whole other blog post, so more on that later, hopefully not 2024, though! haha!).

#3 - Can we do the Full Disclosure process on our own if my husband is willing to share?

This is not my recommendation for you. I want you to know that you are worth the time, the energy and the expense of having someone that knows what they are doing going through this process with you.

I do want to pause right here and share - when I confronted Jason, I needed him to tell me what the (you know what) was going on. Six days later, when he was ready to share with me all he remembered - I don't care what the recommendation is / was - you better believe I was all ears. The end.

AND - know that what he shared was not his Full Disclosure. It was as much as he remembered at the time, a verbal dump, but there was more. And he needed to go through the process to fully get to all the secrecy hidden within. He did that with the help of our therapist several months later.

Bottom line: while some professionals wouldn't recommend he sits you down and shares with you what he knows due to the traumatic nature of this, know that I GET the need for you to do this if he is willing to share. Waiting for months for the truth is ALSO traumatic.

AND let's also not mistake a verbal dump for a Full Disclosure. It's not. The Full Disclosure is a written document that he produces for you, with the help of a professional that understands the process and can help him get ALL of it out of his memory and onto paper.

#4 - Do I need a polygraph?

Some women want a polygraph no matter what, others do not. If you need or want a polygraph - we support you 1000%. If you are on the fence, we will talk this through and come to a conclusion together as to if you want this before the disclosure or after the disclosure.

While polygraphs aren’t 100% reliable - we do find that the "threat” of the poly can help get everything on the table if he is resistant to do so. We hear all too often of men waiting outside the polygrapher’s office and sharing one last thing with her that he has held onto before walking in.

The poly should never replace your intuition and trusting in yourself. Most women know when there is more. If you think there is more, there almost always is.

#5 - Do I get a copy of the Disclosure?

I hear of this being frowned upon, her having a copy of the disclosure. This deep down infuriates me. Hasn't enough been stolen from her? Haven't so many of her choices and wishes been stripped from her?

Let her decide. It's her story, too. (I feel like I need to make a t-shirt!) And no, she isn't going to read it day and night (which is often the reasoning behind not letting her have it).

After the disclosure, I have women do a timeline that incorporates her story and his story (from his timeline and the disclosure) all onto one page. She needs the disclosure in order to work on this.

Her timeline helps her start to put the puzzle pieces together and we then use this as the launching pad for identifying major pain points as well as to work on an impact letter.

#6 - Do I need a female supporting me during the Full Disclosure reading?

I truly believe this is ideal. You having support from another woman that is trained to help with disclosures is not just ensuring comfort and safety for you but it's also another strategy we use to make sure your needs are met and that we get the best possible outcome for all during this process.

___________________

Two final things I want to address:

When I talk about disclosures at the retreat or in groups, etc. - women will oftentimes hear what is ideal and then question if they got a “real” disclosure if it didn't go exactly like this. Please remember there are nuances here and just because you didn't get a poly doesn't mean it doesn't count. Just because you didn’t have a female coach or therapist supporting you, doesn't mean it was no good. M'kay?!

Second - there will be times during the post hoc processing that he or she realizes something was left out of the disclosure. Not necessarily something game changing but something that is more of the same, and still significant.

I think it’s incredibly important that he does an addendum to the disclosure in written form that he then shares with her. She will keep this as apart of the disclosure document.

I'm here to answer your questions on the Full Disclosure Process. And know that I am in your corner, cheering for you.

xo - Shelley

________________

Hey Gals!  When I transitioned my old website to a new website in early 2026, I lost all my comments.  These comments are precious to me and to so many of you.  I am posting the comments here and please feel free to comment below if you have something you’d like to share.  xoxo - Shelley

B said: Is a disclosure helpful if the betrayal was just pornography?

My response: I am SO glad you asked this. If you are asking it, it means others are, too! So thank you for being brave and for taking the time to comment.

The answer is a resounding YES.

This is JUST as important for someone that says he is acting out with porn (versus any other type of acting out). For starters, it's through the disclosure that we will find out - what all DID he do? Rarely if ever it's "just porn". There is usually sex with self, lust, emotional attachments, etc, etc that go along with the pornography. Not to mention, is it an addiction? Is it an ever so often sort of thing?

This will help you start to piece together the story of your life and your story with him. It will help you see the past more clearly so that you can make informed decisions about your future. Pornography is so incredibly damaging in relationships and yet, our culture tells us it's okay, it's normal, everyone does this.

Nope - this, too, demands a full disclosure. 1000%.

I would love to know - what makes you think acting out with porn would discount a disclosure? Is this because he has told you this? If so - HUGE red flag sister. He is hiding behind that excuse and there is, hands down, more to the story.

Sending hugs - Shelley

FN said: YES! We had our FD a couple of weeks ago, and although his acting out didn't include other persons, there is much about porn use (addiction) that I needed to know. It is virtual infidelity and it is a betrayal of my wedding vows to forsake all others. I don't know if any man can just observe porn w/o self-satisfying some of the time. That leads to a sexual "connection" w/ something other than you. Pornography isn't a "just." Get the whole truth B - you deserve it! 🤗

My response: FN - I love, love, love what you are saying here. And thank you for saying pornography isn't a "just". So appreciate this!!!

B - you DO have a right to the entire truth. xoxo

LACW said: Hi Shelley,

Thank you for this post. LOVED it.
I have a question for you. How do you feel about maintenance polygraphs? We are 4.5 years from Dday and he has not taken a poly in almost 3 years. He is doing the work but I feel I need this poly to solidify how things are going and to add to the trust and respect issues that come from betrayal.

Would love your thoughts on this,
LACW

My response: Thank you for posting this here for others to read and consider. I KNOW you aren't the only one wondering about this.

First of all - the fact that you said I feel I need this poly is hands down, your cue to ask for the poly. If you feel like you need it, you need it. Case closed.

While maintenance polys aren't something I push for on the regular, I absolutely think there is a space for them. And ANYTIME you feel you need one, we expect him to be an eager beaver and say - great, sign me up. As there should be NO secrets.

The one thing I do ask women that are getting maintenance polys to also consider is staying connected to themselves and trusting their gut / their observations when it comes to how trustworthy he is. I don't want you to only rely on the polygraph, if that makes sense. I want you to also trust in yourself and when you feel something is off - know - it is OFF.

I hope that helps and thank you again for going the extra mile and posting this question here! xoxo

caroline said: Last month was our ten year anniversary of D-day (disclosure day, discovery day, devastation day, demon day, etc.).
I didn't celebrate. But I also didn't get depressed or have major anxiety.
I actually didn't remember until the next day.
I did feel minor agitation for a few days before, as if I should be aware of something important pending, but couldn't recall exactly what.
As usual, I'm not sure how I feel about my response.

I have no document. No polygraph results.

Reading through this post I will admit I am one of those now wondering if I actually got a real "full disclosure" in the first place! I have been calling it the Fullest Full Disclosure because it was the point in history when ALL the answers remained the same no matter how I phrased my questions or how long I waited in between asking.

After almost two decades of look-you-straight-in-the-eye lies and half truths, our Full Disclosure was done in our bedroom with no one else present and was one of the most harrowing experiences I have ever endured. The phrase being "skinned alive" comes to mind actually. I remember thinking it must all be a lie...a tasteless joke maybe...then reminding myself that NO ONE would make this up about themselves...so it must be true.

However, the only written documents I have are my own very detailed notes as he talked for 10+hours (while I wept, hissed, trembled, and screamed silently) as well as a more detailed timeline (also created by me) as he would answer my multitude of follow up questions.

Things he did do: He did write an exposing guest blog post and sent a lengthy letter of confession to a pastor friend, (and I have a copy of that still posted on my website) but it is devoid of any haunting details that one would desire through disclosure (times, dates, places, prices, etc.)
In addition to agreeing to answer any and all questions, I also have received several letters of intention over the years when various concerns or insecurities would resurface. All hand written, dated & signed by him, they are tangible reminders of our new contract, very useful during an episode of being triggered and I am trying hard to get grounded and remind myself of what IS true, not just what WAS true.

He also agreed to do a polygraph, but upon more research I was concerned that if he WAS still lying, I might never know from the test because he would likely be the kind who can dissociate and lie without bodily response, and a pass might be a false hope anyway... so I lost my faith that it would be my final answer.

In the end, I'm left with: God alone knows all. My trust is in Him and He sets my ultimate worth. So if I bring it all up again, which I might, I don't have to bring my soul to be valuated by my husbands choices. This time, I know a little better.

My response: Caroline!!! I have missed you here!!! So SO good to hear your voice, your words, your honesty, your clarity. ALL of it.

I hate this pain for you, for all of us. To hear that you sat there for 10+ hours shaking, hearing, hissing - yes, many of us have this as apart of their stories. Me too. You are not alone.

Will you please share your website with the readers here so that they can get to know you better and your resources?

xoxo - Shelley

caroline replied: Hello Shelley! Thank you for the validation (of struggle, harm, etc.) and thank you for bringing this issue up in the context of your own need to revisit the disclosure process.
I honor your transparency and vulnerability here. The devil may taunt you, but revealing the bumps in your ongoing journey only serves to increase your credibility!
Yes, my community website is still up and free to join: https://restoringgodsdaughters.ning.com
I feel that I have been doing something like treading water for a nearly a year. Maybe longer. The whole world seems to change so quickly and its so hard to find my place within it. It's hard to set long term goals, hard to know what to work on next.
What should a recovering marriage look like after after ten years? What should I look like? What voice do I have? I'm not sure.
So, I cling to the changeless things: the eternal truths of God, knowing and being known by Him, and pursuing the daily tasks He places right in front of me.

My response: Love you girl! Thanks for your validation and thank you for always pointing back to what is true, good and beautiful. xoxo

And ladies - if you want a free place to connect with others - check out Caroline's community - link above!!!

Jaymie said: Hi Shelley, thank you so much for all of the work you are doing. It is so helpful. I'm so interested in your perspective on my disclosure experience. D-Day was Jan. 26 of this year. This was the 2nd time I caught him cheating, the first was 6 yrs ago. He really downplayed it the first time & after just a couple of days, I forgave him. I believed in my heart he was remorseful, but I've come to find out that he we right back to cheating. Since my January discovery, I taught myself how to hack because I knew I wasn't going to get the truth from him & my gut told me there was more to the story. There are many times I wish I never opened the door to the nightmare I continuously discovered, day after day, for about 4 months. I discovered that he's never been faithful in the 18 years we've been together. I know many of the girls he cheated with, and one of them is my own sister. There are also more "distant" girls that he's met online due to having mutual friends in common & he struck up ongoing sexting relationships with them. And then there are complete strangers that are OnlyFans or Snapchat bots that turn into ongoing sexting relationships.

I give all of this context to explain that because of my newly developed hacking skill, I found a ton of evidence. We planned for a full therapeutic disclosure. It was pushed out a couple of times (mostly because I wanted my psychologist present... I was told it wasn't possible, so it came down to coordinating a date where we could have the disclosure & I could go straight to my psychologist's office afterwards) My husband had 6 months to prepare and I told him that I learned how to hack, and with that plus all of the passwords he turned over... I had a ton of information. I told him that I knew he'd never been faithful. I told him I knew he picked right back up with cheating after the first time I caught him. So, he had a pretty clear heads up that I knew much more than what I caught him with on D-Day.

During those 6 months, we made a ton of progress in healing. God was back in the center of our marriage. We went back to The Source and learned straight from God's Word in the Bible about His will for relationships - especially marriage. We had really deep and vulnerable conversations, and addressed different hurts over the years that we've both been scared to open up about. For 2 months, our relationship was the best it had ever been the entire time we've been together. I really felt God's blessing over our marriage.

So on June 2nd, we finally had the therapeutic disclosure. It was with his psychologist & he is certified and experienced in betrayal trauma and disclosures. I felt very supported, validated, listened to, and safe with his psychologist and I'm really happy with the way HE handled the process.

Now, here's where it goes off the rails. My husband's psychologist only knows as much as he's willing to tell him. And my husband's disclosure was a joke. It felt like something a high school kid would do at the very last minute before an assignment was due. I felt like he hardly put any effort into it at all. Especially knowing that he knew I found all of my evidence on his own devices. He had access to the same information. I spent MONTHS digging through it all because I had no choice. My life has been a lie, and this was the only way I could get to the bottom of it and have a chance at making sense of my life. But it felt like he could care less. He gave me the bare minimum & thought he could get by. AND, to make matters worse he still lied and omitted in the things he did include in his disclosure.

He didn't tell his psychologist that one of the girls was my sister, so when that was brought up, he was shocked. I had to be the one to tell that story during the disclosure. There was a physical encounter that he told me about pre-disclosure which he addressed within his disclosure... but the story was completely different. I about lost my mind. When I confronted him about how different the stories were, his psychologist was shocked to hear I was told a different story. Even he was then confused about what the heck the truth was about anything at that point.

I was so angry after the disclosure. I felt like the past 2 months of his apologies, and his remorse, and empathy, and safety... it was all just more lies and manipulation. I feel so used. I'm the breadwinner in our relationship & I feel like he's used me for an easy lifestyle where I have supported him in working part-time in martial arts because that's what he loves. But here... he's spent his free time (and his work time) cheating on me. We've also always had a very healthy and active sex life... and those 2 months where things were the best they've ever been, we were having sex a ton. So, I feel used for sex as well.

It's been 3 months. I meet with my trauma psychologist (who also specializes in betrayal trauma) twice a week. He still sees his twice a week as well. He's completed the "Help Her Heal" course, I've completed "Unleashing Your Power", we both listen to Redemptive Living every day (but not together - I'm not willing to do that right now) I'm closer to God than I've ever been... but boy, when I don't catch myself... my mind will spiral & before I know it, I'm spewing my anger out on him. Since disclosure, he's been defensive, gaslighting, blame-shifting, and downright mean to me. It's a cycle. I feed his shame with my anger. He makes me feel emotionally unsafe with his defensiveness. But we're stuck.

The logical next step is for couples counseling & couples work. We currently have a coach from Helping Couples Heal, who we love. But it's very expensive & out of pocket, so we can only afford her once per month. I am absolutely resistant to anyone who isn't a CPTT because I've had 2 traumatic experiences in the past - so the resources are limited. I'm certainly not in a place where I'm willing to do any type of work with him on our own, because I don't feel safe. But I'm tired of living like this.

What are your thoughts? I'm not afraid of bold challenges, so if there's something you recommend & the Holy Spirit tells me that He agrees... I'll step out in faith & do it. I just feel like I'm at a loss at this point!