The Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth - Part 2

Hi Ladies - oh my, it’s been a bit since I shared part 1 of The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth. We have had a LOT happen this Summer and Fall - I will share more about that in my {almost} monthly letter coming out, I hope, in the next week or so. If you aren’t on the list to receive that - you can do that here.

As we settle into a new rhythm and take a break from the podcast, my hope is to be here more, sharing my thoughts with you.

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As I mentioned in my last article, the first I heard of a Full Disclosure was from Dr. David Clarke in his book “What to do when your spouse says: I don’t love you anymore”. I was SO relieved to see in writing what I knew I needed deep within my bones - the FULL truth.

You see, I had tried previously to forgive Jason for his unfaithfulness without knowing the full truth. He told me: "what is in the past will stay in the past”. And I chose to take that as truth.

But it wasn’t.

Our disclosure process was certainly not perfect. Jason ended up sharing as much as he could on a six hour car trip through West Texas back in August of 2003. While I - yes, ME - was driving. He followed that up with a written document that I kept and used to start to assimilate what was into what really was - the reality that I married a sex addict.

Polygraphs weren’t something I was aware of.

Nor were impact letters or timelines or - well, you get the point.

However - what I did have was a therapist that allowed me to grieve. He saw my pain and put zero pressure on me to fix the situation or take ownership for Jason’s choices. He never used the word codependent and instead allowed me to be exactly where I was and who I was - an utter disaster.

I will confess - I don’t know that I have always held a high standard for the Full (or Formal) Disclosure like I do today. I thought it was important, but I didn’t realize the impact of doing it really really well and how foundational that was for the future healing of him, of her, of them.

The shift

It’s what happened a little over a year ago that really shifted something inside of me.

I was sick and in bed for several days. Lying supine, I started processing some things that were bothering me. Not directly related to betrayal but loosely related.

A few days later, I sat down with Jason to ask him some questions. One thing led to another and we ended up disagreeing on something he did while he was acting out (at this point,17 years prior). It was a significant discrepancy and I started to wonder if he had been lying to me all these years.

I proceeded to grab the disclosure and sat down - with SUCH a heaviness in my heart (is this really my life?!) - to look over it to see if what Jason said he did was actually in there.

My life, all of a sudden feeling so disheveled, fragile.

And it wasn’t. It wasn’t in there.

For the love, Jen Hatmaker, For. The. Love.

And so off we went again - him writing out what he remembered about this particular incident and me waiting for The document.

Then him sharing the addendum with me and then me working on an impact letter to him.

I read that impact letter to him in the car last Spring, parked out in our driveway, while our boys were inside the house nodding off to sleep.

How could I still have tears over this? But here they were.

Yes, for the love.

I share this with you not for you to have pity on me. And certainly not so that you worry about us. We are better for it. But rather so that you see the importance of doing a thorough disclosure from the get go.

This changed everything for me. My eyes were wide open to the importance of doing this well. I didn’t want anyone else, 17 years later, realizing that their disclosure was incomplete.

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I’ll be back next week with five questions (and answers!) regarding the Full Disclosure process. As always, I would love to hear from you.

xoxo - Shelley

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Hey Gals!  When I transitioned my old website to a new website in early 2026, I lost all my comments.  These comments are precious to me and to so many of you.  I am posting the comments here and please feel free to comment below if you have something you’d like to share.  xoxo - Shelley

KR said: Oh Shelley, thank you for sharing this. We had a similar way of disclosure and inside my gut at times — I have a sense of a few things that aren’t clear. We had some books to guide us that I found while looking for help — and as I look back now I see so many gaps — I had no one to walk with me through it - i see so many things I needed during that time. At I times feel - is there more? On a trip recently we had a conversation that led to a moment of me asking “how can you not remember this!!?”Anyway, thank you — this is so encouraging to give myself permission and it’s ok for me to ask again and to be able to share with him the impact of those moments.

My response: Oh thank you KR! Yes - you have a right to keep asking until you have a peace and a clarity. You also have a right to an addendum if you need one. Thank you for cocooning me in! I felt very vulnerable this morning pushing this out. xoxo - Shelley

Chelle said: Hi Shelley, as always your honesty is so affirming, this is hard …very much looking forward to the questions and answers !

My response: Yeah, I am feeling like hiding today. Oh, the vulnerability!!! Thank you for cocooning me in with your words. xoxo - Shelley

Chelle replied: You are loved, valued and so needed… thank you , hugs

Bonnie J said: I only wish my husband would take enough initiative to give me a full (Formal) disclosure! I feel like the Children of Israel wandering in the desert for all those years. What a waste of time that could be used for restoring our marriage. Never knowing the full truth, always wondering what was left out. My husband's 'disclosure" was his verbal recount of his pornography addiction which spanned the 45 years of our marriage and several years before. He lied for 45 years. Why should I believe that? I have no idea at this point if all was confessed, and accounted for, since he refused to do a Formal disclosure. His accountability leader from the EMB workshop poo-pooed the whole idea. And told him it would only take him back down that road from the past. That he didn't need to do it. Unbelievable! I still don't know what I don't know... and I still wonder, feeling there is more. Trust will take a L-o-n-g time in being rebuilt.

My response: Bonnie - you aren't alone here. I know what you shared here will resonate with so many. You should see my inbox this morning. (Deep sigh.)

It's so incredibly important that you get the full disclosure - no matter how many years it has been. And there is something about him putting it into words on paper + reading it to you with others present that - well, I don't even have words for it. It will change a man, for the better.

You have a right to the disclosure and you have a right for it to be full. You have a right to that today and I support you in standing your ground.

xoxo - Shelley

KT said: Shelly, I’m in tears reading this. My heart aches for you, knowing what this feels like. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing the sorrow this still brings, 17 years later.
Our multiple disclosures (1 with polygraph) and still finding out ‘details’ that were not included have broken my heart and trust beyond words. Sometimes I fear we are trying to humanize and explain a sin that is just simply inexplicable, like trying to capture smoke in a bottle. I want every single detail of my husbands pursuit of women, but it’s a lifetime - will he ever remember it all? And even if he could, each detail comes with such sorrow and mind-blowing pain, sleepless nights and endless tears.
All I can figure at this point is that we try our human best to get all of the information that was kept from us, and we offer the rest up to Jesus who knows all things and heals all wounds. Keeping my eyes on Him is the only way I will survive and someday hopefully thrive.
Thank you for your love and care for those of us in this battle with you. Xo

My response: Thank you KT! I wish I knew who this was - I feel like I probably do but I can't place you yet with your initials. Text me or send me a quick email. :)

Thank you for your care, your compassion, your empathy. Thank you for telling me I am not alone.

I REALLY appreciate what you said - like trying to capture smoke in a bottle - isn't that the truth. And ultimately - offering it ALL up to Jesus, the One who knows all things, heals all wounds. That was SO beautiful to read.

Sending you so many hugs - xoxo - Shelley

RB said: Thank you KT - this is so well written...
"Sometimes I fear we are trying to humanize and explain a sin that is just simply inexplicable, like trying to capture smoke in a bottle. I want every single detail of my husbands pursuit of women, but it’s a lifetime - will he ever remember it all? And even if he could, each detail comes with such sorrow and mind-blowing pain, sleepless nights and endless tears."

My response: I agree, it's beautiful and puts into words what I haven't been able to articulate myself! Thank you SO much KT!!! xoxo

Cheryl said: I wholeheartedly agree with you. Thank you for expressing these sentiments.

Kathy said: Ahhh thank you, Shelley. You are such a precious and beautiful woman! Thank you for sharing all this. Looking forward to the next part as I’m (finally) coming up on hearing the FD in a couple of months.
One stipulation I’ve made is my husband’s FD must be worked on with and shared in the presence of a CSAT.
I hate knowing you were suffering this pain again, and I thank you for your vulnerability.
Having had the immense honor or meeting you in person on retreat, I can honestly say I love you. <3 So grateful for you!

My response: Awe, thank you Kathy!!! I love you, too!!! And I agree with you - having your husband do the disclosure with a professional present is so very important! I am hopeful you will get your disclosure - stand tall and know you are so worthy of it!!! xoxo

Tammy L Kersten: Shelley ~ Thank you for vulnerably sharing your experience. You are helping others be brave and heal through what you share. I so appreciate and admire you! You are a light for others!

My heart hurts for you and all the other women that have experienced betrayal on any level. I know, oh so well, how incredibly painful it is.

I would discover various betrayals over the first 30 years of my marriage and, each time confront my husband, where he would minimize, gaslight, lie, hid, say it would never happen again over and over. At that time, I didn't have the tools or courage to do it any differently.

Then, 5 years ago my life blew up and my heart was shattered into a million pieces when he finally admitted, after being caught, that he was having an affair. We stumbled through the next couple years with me doing tons of work on myself and him saying he was changed. I could see it was only on the surface level and I was broken time and time again with empty promises and more disclosures as the past continued to leak out and he was still acting out in some ways.

Finally, he hit his rock bottom and I finally found a great CSAT therapist. She introduced the idea of a FD and I not only feared asking my husband for one but also thought he would object. Surprisingly, he agreed. Our therapist lead us through a 3 step process over the course of about 6 months. First, the FD. Then, I wrote an impact letter. Lastly, he wrote a restitution letter.

The whole process was painful, eye-opening and tedious. And, I believe we wouldn't be where we are today, our new marriage, as we call it, without that process. I would still be wondering if there was more. He wouldn't have taken the time to see, really see, all of his acting out over the years and how it impacted each of us individually, our marriage, our family and so much more.

I didn't intend to write a comment this long but I hope you each come to know how precious you are and you deserve to get the answers you need. Don't give up hope, trust yourself and what you need.

My response: Thank you Tammy for everything you wrote here!!! We absolutely all deserve to get the answers we need. We have a right to this information. As painful as it is to get the truth, it's the only way to heal as a couple.

xoxo - Shelley

Elena said: Can you talk more about what an impact letter is. How do I do that?

kelly wolff said: Beautiful Shelley,
First off I just want to express how grateful I am for your authenticity. I love and admire how you are not afraid to be vulnerable. It is so shame lifting to know that it’s okay to not have everything figured out if we have been at this for a little while. For me, I never entertained the idea of NOT having a polygraph. There was a three month gap between discovery and our 3 day formal disclosure intensive and I did not ask one single question about his acting out and I asked him to not tell me anything until it was the day he read the disclosure to me. I wanted to get it all at one time…and I did. He passed the polygraph and I believed that I had no doubt what so ever that I knew everything. I had my reality. I don’t think I could have moved forward if I still had this burning question deep in my soul that there was still something else. I even spoke to the guy that does the polygraphs!! I was given the freedoms to ask for a polygraph whenever I felt like I needed it. He had another one in 6 months and again in a year. He has them once a year now and just schedules it on his own. I do not believe the polygraph is only for the betrayed partner. I see it as another accountability tool for him as well. I even know of a therapist that requires all his staff to have a polygraph every year! #inGodwetrustEveryoneelsegetsapolygraph

❤️ Kelly W

Maggie said: Wow I’m new to this site and new to these concepts entirely, even though I’ve been living with the knowledge of my husband’s affair since Jan 2021. Looks like I have a lot to learn. Although the place where I am now feels like light years from where I could ask my husband to write out a “full disclosure letter” or take a polygraph. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I’m thinking to myself. Mine isn’t one of those husbands “sorry” for what he has done, begging me to take him back. Mine is pretty sure I’m the problem and unsure he is willing to return and “put up with all the stuff” that being with me entails, even for the sake of our son, 15. Maybe he will get there someday. >sigh< Meanwhile I do have a lot of work to do with Jesus and the Holy Spirit on myself, which is what I hear when I’m sitting alone with Him: don’t look left or right; look at Me, and let Me work.