And when I start to recount my blessings and give thanks, my heart is more in tune with His.

I believe that I allowed Christ to heal parts of the painful journey. But I also allowed myself to fill some of those voids.

it’s when times are tough that we are more susceptible to the lure of false gods. Not when all is well, but when life is difficult.

So, I surrender this fear. This reality. Indeed, I have no control over Jason’s actions. I have no control over God’s plan. And isn’t that really the best way it should be?

Ironically, I sat there this weekend, thinking of a particular memory, and saying once again: God, this is too big for you. You can’t heal this. I’ll take care of it myself.

A smile breaks out on my face. I tell him what just happened: You knocked down a fence post.

The sad house with the large rooms and empty spaces. Kinda like our hearts. Empty.

We were in the checkout line and I had pegged all the gorgeous bombshells within 100 feet. Plotted on a map in my head. Hoping to figure out how to get us out of there safely.

Holding on to the secret not only is damaging to you. It’s also damaging to your family. Your marriage. Your relationship with God.

Acknowledging that God has more for us here on this earth than living in secrets and shame and darkness.

If I had to do it over, I’d choose him.

I’m not going to pray, I don’t trust You. If You allowed something like this to happen to me, who knows what else You would allow to happen.

And my eyes filled with tears as I heard God say, “See, there is positive in this, too; to help others not feel like you did.”

Because its God’s story. It’s hope. It’s what each man in that audience can have. It’s redemption for Jason and I.

This reminds me of where I was after Jason disclosed his ugly truth and my world came crashing down on me.

And its all true, what Jason or satan meant for evil, God meant it for good in my life. I’m a better person because of what I’ve been through.

During the first year of our recovery, I would dream about the day I would forgive Jason. It seemed so impossible.

But as quickly as Jason opened the door, he shut it. I was confused. I ultimately believed it was my fault. And I quickly forgave him.

I’ve forgotten how palpable the pain and weight is while everyone shares their stories and we all re-live our reality over and over again. It is enough for some to want to run.

I’ve had some really ugly moments over the last couple of weeks. Feeling sorry for myself, selfish, insecure, wanting my “old life” back.